My mind today was clouded with so many conflicting thoughts about things I should be doing, things I'm not doing, and the thing I definitely had to do in order for work to end for the day.
I don't run nearly as much as I should. I know it's the best of all possible anti-depressants. Nothing overcomes my paralyzing self-doubt than moving as fast as I can for as long as distance as I can stomach.
Time, though, is cruel and I've not been trying hard enough to force myself to get out there. I've come up with excuse after excuse, and I know I am suffering a little bit because of my current lack of motivation.
So, this week I will finally join the gym that's behind my house in order to have an easy treadmill at my disposal. I also want to re-engineer fitness back into my life.
I've given it up in part because I've been seeing someone, and time I was devoting to myself had been transferred into hanging out with her. Now that appears to be over. Or at least, I have to make sure it doesn't happen at the expense of five solid work-outs a week.
I need to set a goal. A half-marathon? A sprint triathlon? A really well-written song? Better outcomes in all of my work-related pursuits? Some sense that things are going to be okay after all if I just work hard?
I don't know. All I know is that I felt fantastic after my run today, the first since last Wednesday. It was fairly hot, a but humid, and I sweat an awful lot. I went four miles or so down to the Pavilion and the bridge.
It still astonishes me that I live in town where it's routine to be able to watch a major music act play from the Belmont Bridge. I watched Z.Z. Top play "Legs" from the back. They didn't even cover it up, so you could see everything.
Running kills my negativity. I ran and I felt awesome because I did something my body needs and craves. I wasn't tired. I wasn't hot. I simply moved through space, kept to my form, and ran without a care. I spent some time in my home.
One of my built-in excuses has been that I don't have the charger for my fancy watch. It's in the back of the car I bought recently, parked behind the dealership. It's still waiting on parts. It has been sitting there for three weeks now and I've been a bus rider and a walker and an occasional bummer of rides.
This has also put a damper on my running, as I've had to spend time negotiating the bus line. That certainly has meant a change in behavior.
So, this summer I want to work towards a goal. I don't know what the details of that goal might be, but I do want to get my miles up, find something to steer towards. Maybe many things to steer towards. Who knows?
I ran tonight, and it was good, and I felt capable.
And that is why I want a summer of running. Who's with me?