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Showing posts from 2013

Pet deaths

Last night, I carried the lifeless body of one my new cats upstairs from the basement, where he had gone to die. I'm not sure what happened to Cow, a big white cat I've had since late August when I agreed to look after him and a little black kitten for a short time. That short time turned into permanent companionship, although that's now turned out to be short, too. The kitten is now almost full-grown, and she's not sure what's going on. She's been extra clingy with me, and I'm pondering converting her to an indoor cat so as not to tempt fate. Two days ago, both of them sat with me as I wrote here in this place I've carved out as my office within my home. I'm right next to their food.  Well, her food now, I guess. This is the second of my pets that has died this year. My dog Billy died in September after a quick illness ravaged his body, which was at least 12 years old. I miss him terribly, and Cow's death is making me feel the fres

A week from the day, two weeks from the night

It's a week until the day that more or less everyone celebrates, even if they don't literally believe that the son of the creator of the universe was born on that day. Something about the story of good will to all has more people thinking positive thoughts. Careful readers might have detected that I've been ambivalent as this particular holiday season approaches, knowing that my children would not be here with me. I've just put them to bed on the last night I will see them until New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, depending on how scheduling is going to work out. "I want you both to know that I am not sad you will not be here. I am happy for you because you will be with family and that is important to me." And that was not a lie. I am happy all of my children appear to have a rich life, participating in extended families. I am humbled by this, able to step back and see that people who I helped create have already moved on into a world that I do n

New Holiday: First Winter Storm

Now listen carefully. There was some frozen precipitation on the ground earlier. For the past few days, many people have told us we were in for a terrible onslaught of electricity loss, bread loss at grocery stores, and wintry unpleasantness. And, I bet you that many of us, in the back of our minds, welcomed this and decided we were going to take a little break from the normal today. I know I did. I jumped at the chance to have a sudden holiday from the normal routine. So, why don't we find a way to enshrine this phenomenon as a holiday? I think floating holidays around the threat of inclement weather should be much more acceptable. People's fears of traveling are their own business, no matter where that fear came from. I propose that we create in Virginia a special holiday on the occasion of the first storm where we all just decide it's okay to be relaxed about everything. We realize that the universe will occasionally throw up obstacles, and that many of the

Daydream Nation

My recent purchase from eBay showed up today. A four-LP deluxe edition of Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation. I originally bought this album on CD in 1990 having only heard Silver Rocket and Teenage Riot. The sound took me to new places in my imagination, and now these records will sit amongst all of the vinyl I've accumulated through my childhood and my Freecycle binges. This one's special, though, because now I own a formative album on the first medium I was ever aware. There is something about vinyl that connects me to me childhood and my core self, and I'm so glad I finally have a record player again to experience this on a daily basis. What I am listening to right now is not digitial. The sonic waves hitting my ear drums right now are the result of a physical connection between plastic and metal. To  me, this gives what I'm hearing more authenticity than an mp3 file or a YouTube video. I'm currently listening to Sonic Youth's cover of Neil Young's Comput

Thanksgiving thoughts (possibly controversial)

Sometime tomorrow, stores that have a lot of fluorescent lighting overhead will open. The people who work there will have to be there so that people who are better shoppers than me can pay their bosses money. Somehow, both parties aren't bothered that this is happening. The rest of us are a bit puzzled.  I'm not angry that this is happening. I don't have any outrage that stores are looking to outdo their competition any way they can. Somehow it's all about advantage.  I know I will be less likely to shop in any of those stores in the future. That's a personal decision, and not one I have to think about very hard. I don't often shop in any of those kind of stores anyway.  "What do you think about all those people wanting to shop on Thanksgiving day?" said the clerk at the convenience store near my house. I've been going there for years for beer and chicken.  "Well, I know I'm not going to shop at any of them," I sai

Running in the dark

The 5:00 fall of darkness is hitting me harder than I think it ever has. Perhaps this has something to do with the deaths that have happened in my life in late summer and early fall. Perhaps I'm getting old. In any case, I will not fall into despair. At least not for long. Today I went straight to the gym after work and got on a treadmill and ran. I wanted to run from the moment I woke up today because I ended up sleeping in late and my kids ended up being half an hour late for school. Thankfully I put their clothes out for the morning last night and I am able to whip breakfast together quite quickly. The car started and we made it there, but I decided to go straight to work. And then, I left work before my section of the earth turned away from the sun because I needed to run an errand, and I didn't take a coat due to the speed at which we escaped my house's gravitational pull. Upon getting home, I had a cup of tea and then suited up a three mile run at the gym.

The thoughts I have about things

At the library today, I picked up a book called Timetables of History . It was a simple listing of historical events dating from Sumerian times to 1990. I tried to interest my daughter in this, but her interest lasted about thirty seconds before she went to look at a DK book that shows all of the locations in Star Wars . Initially I was bothered that she wasn't interested in real life but instead wanted to learn more about a fictional universe. But, I quickly realized I was also more interested in the book, which was colorful, detailed, animated, and was of more interest to her than what someone did back in 903.  And here we are in 2013, and I increasingly feel like pulling back from the moments of the day in order to concentrate on the moments of my self. I spend so much time thinking about what happens in the now, writing about public policy in my community. I'm aware of the importance and the non-importance of it, all at the same time.  The totality of myself i

Today was forever

One of my children is reading to the other, but I'll likely have to go in and finish the job.  We've had a great two days together, the three of us. Mostly they've played together while I've watched, supervised, shepherded, kept away from sharp objects. Since having brunch with some friends the other day, I've not had a sustained conversation with another adult.  And that's okay. Being a single dad for me means that I am living these years of my life with two of the three most important people in my life. It can be absolutely exhausting, especially when they begin to go to war with each other. Some times it can be so emotionally draining to be in the middle of their spats, and I try to stay out of the fray. Thankfully today there was little need to do that. Today was about as perfect as you can get, given that we only left the house once and that my living room was transformed into an ocean fortress, complete with inflatable dolphin. They played fo

In a crowd

Tonight I went to a dance at my children's elementary school. I attended along with their mother and her fantastic partner. I am so happy that our relationship is at such a good point where we all communicate about what's happening in their lives. Together the three of us are parenting two people that will inherit this world. The auditorium was packed with people, all of us parents and all of us children. There was dancing, there were prizes, and there were my children playing with their friends, interacting with the three parents. I had to give up my shift at Court Square Tavern to go, and it is likely I won't be able to fully return there like I had hoped. Maybe that is for the best. There are not often crowds there, not the crowds I need to be in now that I feel like I'm fully helping to raise my children. I was at first uncomfortable at the dance because of my anxiety and because their school is not in my neighborhood. I don't know the other parents as m

Doctor Who's importance to me, again

I stumbled out of bed this morning and there was immediately a message from my cousin James telling me I had to watch the new Doctor Who mini-episode right away.  I was skeptical, but I went to look for it.  Before I even saw it, I knew today was going to be a good day. The show has lasted 50 years because it has a universe where the main character has lived a series of lives in different bodies. He regenerates into a new form every time he is killed.  There has been a gap in the show's continuity. The show was canceled by the BBC in 1989, but brought back in a clumsy television movie co-produced by FOX. The actor who played him regenerates from the Seventh Doctor (as played by Sylvester McCoy, who was in the recent Hobbit film) into the Eighth Doctor (as played by Paul McGann). But, the film was not a success, and the on-screen revival of the Doctor would not happen until 2005. And when the show came back, the mythology had changed so that the Doctor was the last of

11/12/13

Another night in an auditorium, listening to a matter of public discussion in one ear while my mind seeks out mindless trivia while waiting for some form of resolution. I've been in meetings all day, and I'll be in them all day tomorrow, too. I'm thirsty, so in a few minutes I'm going to leave.  The developer of a project is mad at the Board of Supervisors because they are spending a lot of time on a drainage issue. There's part of me that is aware of the broad overview of what's going on here, but there is no need to get too involved in the details. In the grand scheme of things, there is no room for trivial. Somewhere in these two paragraphs is an inconsistency. I am filled with them, but unaware of them as they pass through my mind. I'm not sure who I am, and not sure why I'm in this room. I don't feel fully here while I'm here. 

Offsetting ennui

I'm sitting in a room I sit in far too often, but at least I'm paid to be there. People are looking at plans for a new building. They won't make a decision tonight, and they don't actually make the decision anyway. That will fall to the elected officials who aren't here at the moment. My chair is against the back wall. The room is a small auditorium, and many decisions have been made in here over the past few decades. I've written about many of these, either as a contemporary reporter or as an amateur archivist.  I'm tense because I want this meeting to be over, and I'd like to relax and joke and play and talk to people. I'd like to write about the people who are in this room, as opposed to the decisions that will be made. The two relate, of course, but in public I cannot write about the people in here, or the people I would like to meet. I feel stuck in time, despite the growing awareness that I am living a life constrained by decision

Upon unfathomable tragedy

Tomorrow I will take my children to a memorial service for a little girl who was killed in a terrible accident on Monday. Charlotte's life was cut short so quickly, but a community has come together to provide comfort, solace, and love to her sister, mother and father.  And I will go tomorrow and sit next to my children and their mother, and their mother's partner, and we will all mourn something so terrible - the death of a young child.  I personally did not know Charlotte that well, but knew of her importance to my son. He called her his "future wife" after her got over his sister teasing him about his being his girlfriend. I remember being that age and having crushes on girls, but I can't fathom being told that he'll no longer be able to play with her because she's gone.  He's in denial, and is somewhat angry about what's happened.  "I don't care that she's dead," he said to me shortly before bed. I told him I

I love holidays

There's a certain beauty to watching other people revel in enjoyment today, the silliest of all days. Everyone dresses up, everyone seems merry, and a good time is had by all. People are smiling, people are happy, and there's energy of greatness all over. I'm happy to see children walking up and down the bricks of the mall.  It's no matter that I'm still working, and that I miss my children so much right now. I wish I was out there with them, and I'm happy knowing that I have at least a 50/50 shot of being with them next Halloween.  I won't see them for ten days over Christmas. While that fact makes me sad, I will have to do some work to make sure that it does not cast a shadow over my activities now. I may not see them at Christmas, but I will see them at Thanksgiving, and I will get to have some fun activity with them. Being a single parent who only sees his children a third of the month can be painful, but it makes me appreciate my little on

I hate holidays

I'm single, have been for years, and I work a ridiculously stressful job. Two or three of them, actually. So, I never have any energy to put into holidays like Halloween. I never have a costume, never have plans, and basically feel inadequate beyond belief. I'm working in my office as people walk off to enjoy their merriment and fun. I feel more and more like an alien every single day. And that's not a costume.  Now begins the long march to Christmas. This Christmas is going to be the hardest one I've had to date and the sadness I am going to feel for ten days is already casting a shadow backwards through time. I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to think of good things. I'm trying not to fall apart. But, I just hate holidays. They remind me of personal failures, remind of current shortcomings, and remind me I feel just a shadow of my former self.  I honestly hope I don't always feel like this.  And I so look forward to January 2. 

And these were the slow nights...

I remember this feeling. I remember waiting people to come into a place that I think is one of the most awesome places on earth. Or at least, in Charlottesville. If I could get out of town more often, I likely wouldn't go on harping about Court Square Tavern.  I certainly wouldn't keep going back to work there if I didn't live here, and if I didn't feel like it was part of the reason I'm here.  This was the first time in a long time that I went from one job to the other on a weekday. This may become more common as I try to make ends meet, try to get ahead by making a little more money for my children. But also, to try to reconnect to the reasons why I'm here. Tonight was a slow night, but the interactions I had with customers were all very enjoyable. People came onto my stage and I served the role of background character. But, I also engaged with local politics, talked a bit about we're a neighborhood bar, caught up with old friends, tried to f

A documenting of the return

Time travel is possible. Credit: Jennings Hobson Inc. I reentered a part of my timeline where I spend my hours serving people drinks and food, cracking jokes, trying to keep good cheer, augmenting reality in a small space that I can dance around with aplomb, wit flowing and feeling connected to the place.  This may have ruined catering for me for a while.  I worked for almost seven hours on Friday night, bartending and serving tables while Jeff cooked the food. I think he was glad to be off of the floor. I was glad to be making my acquaintance with people who will be among my new regulars, on whatever scale I manage to return to this place in which I feel so at home. It felt so good to be there, at home , in a place where I feel so comfortable to be myself. Within seconds, I was right in the same place I had left 19 months ago, in early February 2012. I clocked in and went right to work, serving beer and standing behind the bar from which I watched most of my thir

A return, again, to Court Square Tavern

Back in the day...  In just under three hours, I'll clock in to the place I've worked at on and off for over nine years now. I'll go back into this little dungeon and I'll insert a card into a mechanism that will punch the time I arrived so I'll get paid. Instead of having a Friday night off to relax, I'll be serving people drinks and food and hopefully I'll make them happy in the process. It has been over a year and a half since I left, and I don't think it's going to be an easy transition. I'm only going back at this time because there is only one employee who regularly works there, and he wants a week off. So I will be filling in for him, but training with him tonight to see what might have changed. I'm going in with a positive attitude, a willingness to help, and hopefully to restore Court Square Tavern's role in greater Charlottesville society. Over the years, I've spent so many interesting nights there, and I want to

Records

I love records.  There's something infinitely magical about round discs that spin around pole in the middle of a motorized circle, with a needle picking up vibrations placed there in the encoding process. No... not encoding process. What word would you use? Anyway, thanks to WNRN, I now have a record player and I'm able to finally listen to the hundreds of records I've accumulated over the years. Earlier I listened to a record called Echoes of Merseyside, a stream-of-consciousness-like assemblage of found recordings put together by the Liverpool Echo sometime in the 70's.  And now I am listening to perhaps the most important album of my life - my first exposure to Monty Python - The Allbum of the Soundtrack of the Trailer of the Film of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I remember putting this on the record player when I was my a bit older than my daughter's age.  As I listen back, more than 30 years later, I'm pleased I have a record player

Bringing forth the musical waverings

This May I began a new season of musical journal entries. I'm drawn to picking up the guitar and recording myself making up words as I move my hand up and down the neck of my guitar, strumming out moments of where I was at various times. I am not capable of writing songs. I tried to do this summer, but that's now how I'm built musically. I have to trick myself in order to let myself go, and the only way I can do that is to have an open microphone and a recording device. Something happens in those moments, and I transform into something a little less retiring. I do hope I can find collaborators to help me harness this, so I'm going to post this noise. This is slightly edited from a recording I did in my kitchen when my children were at my house. Themes include the usual questions I have about this life I seem to be living.

A better tomorrow

In March 1999, I went with some friends to a house on the Chesapeake Bay, or the northern neck of the Potomac, or some other house in a place I did not yet realize would be significant later in life. We were there to play music, and we recorded two and a half hours of improvised punk rock.  One of the songs was this one, called Better Tomorrow. Looking back now, this track is very much a journal about where I was at that point of my life and what I wanted, how I wanted to create  a life for myself that was mine despite all of the influences on me. I wanted a different life.  And here I am, 14 years later and I certainly have one of those. There are many who have had similar lives, and I am learning to listen to their stories. Some of them find their way into the songs I make now. I have the ability to capture whatever it is I want to say when I'm ready to brave the uncertainty of an open microphone. I'm glad I have this skill, and this hobby of documenting my lif

This bewildering insanity

Today I connected an older computer and dragged over some old songs that had been stuck there. My ultimate goal is to have all of the hundreds of hours of my material available at my finger tips, and maybe to have it available if somehow lightning strikes and any of this can become relevant to any of my fellow citizens.  I have a lot of work to do. But, for now, just a reminder that http://yield-alpha-tuggler.tumblr.com/ ">my public archive contains a lot of stuff that I got the courage to post in the past.

Another reset, another mindset

The solstice solstices and our planet heads back now into the dark. In six months we'll begin going the other way yet again. Between now and then we'll sleep, work, eat, breathe, and have emotions. We'll aspire to great things, and try to not publicize the bad ones. So, I take this day to note that I have once again reset the name to reflect where I may fit on a hypothetical list of all the people in the world in terms of birth order. When I began this blog in 2006, I was somewhere in the 3.5 billion range, but now I'm assuming I'm the 2.5 billionth (or so) oldest person. I'll keep counting down until I can figure out a way to change my birthday. Yet, my birthday is a fixed point in time, as is every moment once we move past it. We can't go back to stop ourselves from  breaking the things we shattered, but hopefully we can learn to be more mindful in each  moment so as to reduce the number of shards we're responsible for. As I go forward and appro

Father's Day thoughts

I had hoped to cross the finish line of the Charlottesville Men's Four-Miler at about 8:20 this morning, but instead I was sluggishly trying to turn the television on for my children. This is what I do every other Sunday when my American offspring are with me. For weeks, I had trained and planned and tried my best to speed up so I could run a good race. I had hoped to try to run those four miles through the University of Virginia and its immediate suburbs of academic denizens. I had somehow thought that I would find someone who could look after my children at the finish line. However, as a single father who hasn't been in a relationship for several years, it's very hard to even imagine asking someone to help out. It's me and they, the three of us forming a family unit that is unlike what I had thought I would be in when I was growing up. Yet, I type these words without any sadness or regret. I didn't run the race, but I adjusted and have ended up having a grea

Five years...

I moved into my house five years ago today. I didn't know it at the time but my marriage was unraveling. I didn't know how bad the hard times we're going to be, and didn't know that my journey would challenge and transform me in ways that I still don't quite understand. I didn't want to buy the house I now own. I wanted a townhouse, but my wife at the time really wanted the one she found with the realtor she was working with. But, I own it now. And, I can choose to focus on the positive moment rather than the traumatic ones that I fixated on. First and foremost, it's my stage. It's a place for me to be alone so I can sing and play guitar to my heart's content. I can let myself go and explore whatever strange alchemy allows me to let my mind go and do two things at once in an effort to craft whatever style I'm crafting. One day I will be brave enough to work with others, but for now, I am safe in my house. If I look into my heart and mind,

These lines

These lines around us can be turned around if we can attain new perspectives. There is much that is urgently vibrating around, and the power of these waves must be harnessed and no longer ignored. To what do I refer? I'm not sure yet. I have grown cryptic of late, and this is perhaps part of the need for increased perspective. The main part is that I write for myself in that ten percent of my life when I'm not doing the things that I have to do in order to keep the structure of my life together. I don't take time to make this into my craft. That may be changing. It may have to change. After all, what are we without a strong sense of narrative? I am the person I say I am, or so I say. That's what these lines say. That's the meaning that surrounds and binds every word into a sentence.

The slowest Ten Miler

The sky was dark when I pulled up to WTJU to park and the rain came down slowly. Generally I don't run in the rain, using it as an excuse to get on the treadmill where I can watch television and not have to think about where I'm going. I didn't decide to run the ten-miler until this week, when my friend Morgan told me he was still going to run it despite not having trained. He had run it five times in a row, and didn't want to break the streak. I wasn't planning on running it, because I had set a pretty lofty goal. I had wanted to break my times for the last three years. I ran it in 77:38 in 2010. Then 80:00 in 2011. 82:00 in 2012. I've been slipping. And I wanted to do better. But, I didn't train the way I needed in order to do that. I've been running at least three times a week, but not at any kind of distance. I just haven't had the time. So, I had thought about skipping it, saving the money, and sleeping in. But when Morgan said he wa

A day to be alive

Now that I'm waking up an hour earlier without really wanting to, I'm struck by how much birdsong can stir my soul. Imagine: Those creatures we take for granted arise each day with the sun, heated by the early morning light. They sing tunes that reach our ears when we are in the upper atmosphere of slumber. We forget the things that make us joyful. That seems to be one of the undercurrents of modern society. That which lifts us up is deemed to be not as important. Perhaps that's why things often seem so broken. Someone I know died last week and is being buried today. I'm going to miss it because I have to work. I have to take notes on what happens in a public meeting. This is what I do. I listen to the birdsong of bureaucracy in hopes of writing a tune about how things work. The person I know drank himself to death. I heard details last night about his passing that truly horrified me. His body fell apart under the onslaught of alcohol. I can fully understand how

Mesmerized

People talk about something and I'm supposed to pay attention. Yet I'm typing these words in this box while they debate the item I'm supposed to be writing about. My brain is looking for the things to write down, I am concerned that I did not exercise today. I had the chance but I did not seize the opportunity. Life has taken a turn for the numb of late. Head down.