4/23/2016

Almost at 30

Tomorrow I'm hoping to run a mile for the 30th day in a row, ending a quest to become more aware of my body's health and my mind's inability at times to clear time for fitness. 

I have my children tomorrow, so the completion of this journey depends on finding someone to look after them for 15 minutes. I don't plan to run more than a mile because my legs are getting quite tired and they need to rest in order to replenish. 

I'm going to miss this challenge and I am hopeful I can find another one to replace it. I have written out my running schedule for the week and I plan to stick to it. I cannot afford to lose momentum. I am going to have a shorter life if I do not get back to placing my fitness and health as a maximum priority. 

I don't really feel much of a sense of accomplishment at the moment because I'm not sure I'm going to be able to finish. I don't like to spend any time away from my children on the weekends I have them. I'd love more than anything for them to run with me, the same way we all ran their elementary school's 5K back in October. My son ran it in just over 30 minutes which was quite impressive. My daughter was a little slower. I'm hoping we can all get back to speed.

One reason I'm not feeling triumphant over the completion of my journey is that I've been saddened by the passing of Prince and the passing of Richard Lyons of Negativland. I'm also sad tonight because of the woman who killed herself in the Shenandoah National Park and that the wife of Patton Oswalt died in her sleep. I'm sad that it appears the residents of my country lack the ability to communicate with each other. I'm sad so many problems appear intractable. 

Breathe. The best thing to do when it seems the walls are closing in is to breathe while you still can. 

One of my main intractable problems has been an apparent lack of time to run. I transformed myself through running seven years ago. After my second divorce, it was my salvation alongside with a job I could throw myself into. Now I've managed to convince myself that work is more important than fitness. I've been making so many excuses about why its more important to continue sifting through email than to hit the pavement.

But more than that, I had become convinced that somehow running outside wasn't safe. I had told myself that I needed to be on the treadmill. I built up so many reasons why I couldn't run and so I let it go. I let go of the habit. 

And on Day 29, I've proved I can do it. I've proved I can challenge myself and meet a goal. 

Day 30 will happen. 

What's the next Day 1 going to be? 

It's going to be okay. That's the way I want it to be, and my faith calls upon me to hope despite the possibility of darkness. To feed that faith, I'm going to fix myself. I'm going to try to fix as many problems as I can throughout my life. I know that when I die, I want to have had cleared up as many messes in my life as I can. 

One of the messes is that my body is not operating at its peak potential. I am an animal that has too much food and doesn't need to exercise to get through the day to day.

The last 29 days, though, I've been feeding myself by making sure I had time to get out there. I am hopeful this will have created a habit that I can sustain. 

I will make it happen. Expect more blog posts about running. Expect me to experiment with some running podcasts. Expect me to stop making excuses for why I'm not doing the things I want to do. 


4/16/2016

Springtime at Court Square Tavern

The air rumbles with vibrations from a cooler keeping condiments and cold-cuts at the right temperature for doing business. We're not doing any, of course, but that's to be expected.

I'm not sad sitting here even though I knew no one would come in. I would not be here if I didn't have to be. I could walk over to the park and enjoy the festival but I stay here hopeful that perhaps someone will come in, knowing though that no one would want to be here at this time.

And I have four and a half hours left.

I've chosen to do this over catering this year though I don't think I will be able to continue that in the future. The vibrating air is pulsing its way into my brain in a way that may not be useful or helpful.

I'm not a despondent correspondent at the moment at all because I am happy to be here. I know that tomorrow will be a day off and I have no plans. I'm not sure what I will do, but I will try to be productive.

I hope to run at least a mile. It will be Day 25 of my quest to run for at least 30 days consecutively. I think I am going to make that goal even though I quite tired of running. I would like to go to a place and talk to people all day and possibly make new friends. The surprising thing about 42 is how few people I know very well. I stick to myself mostly and at the moment I'm in a bar by myself waiting for people to come in and hopefully they will soon enough. 

I'm grateful to be here. This is an important place for me. I made it through to this moment. I'm here the night after LCD Soundsystem had their reunion concert at Coachella, a place I can't imagine going to. I don't imagine going to many places anymore. 

It is fitting that I am still in the underground. I imagine that somewhere inside of me are seeds that will grow into a more interesting life that escapes this place. I love this place, but it is true at this point that it is not a healthy place for me to be. I need to be around people when I finish work. 

Well, the other work. 

Yet, I am happy to sit here in a place that was not open ten years ago because of the fire. People may come in later, perhaps, but they might not. I will be here either way for another three hours. Or is it four? I think it's four hours. All around me people are having fun but I cannot see them for they are not here. At Champion there is a metal show. In Lee Park there is a festival. In my office there is a silent auction and gala. 

And here there is just the chattering of fleshy fingers on plastic keys mixing in with the television and the 90's indie rock and all of it. I am here in this moment. That is all that matters. There is no judgment. There is being alive and looking on the positive side. 

It's springtime at Court Square Tavern.