I am up way too early. I didn't finish a deadline yesterday and so here I am. I love being awake when the sun rises, something I could not say a year ago. I saw the moon rise about an hour and a half ago, and now a white crescent is smiling in the sky waiting to fade into the sunlight.
a little later
Now the moon is surrounded by a pink cloud, which from my perspective is behind the various wires that span out from a wooden pole that stands thirty feet or so. A squirrel perches for a moment on their journey above the ground. This is the one I call Stumpy, because of his truncated tail.
I am still not finished with the deadline.
time had passed
I had a moment of clarity yesterday. Someone texted me to ask when I was going to sell the house, something I have thought about. I've thought about leaving and starting life somewhere else.
But I would be miserable if I did that. I would long for this place, this place I call home despite the propensity for sadness. There is hard work to do in the future, and a year ago, I set myself upon a path to get to this moment.
The pink around the moon is turning to morning orange. My deadline is approaching. I'm going to tell people what's happening. I am blessed to have this experience and I thank myself in the past for being bold.
the Earth turned more
The moon has now disappeared, obscured by the power of that which gives all of us life. Because I am a member of a species that can pass down knowledge, I know the moon is still there, making waves. Things that seem to have disappeared are not necessarily gone.
And a little more
The moon returns, triumphant! The whisps are white, and the naked limbs of a crepe myrtle and the horizontal lines of utility frame a perfect picture of this moment as cars zoom past well above the speed limit, their engine exhaust condensing in the sub-zero temperatures.
(Think Celsius for the the purposes of this paragraph)
Stumpy returns
The whisps of cloud move to the east. A contrail takes their place and for a moment, it appears this linear declaration of humanity lines directly up to the crescent, which by this point in its ascent is a forgotten fingernail. Stumpy walks back across the line in the opposite direction.
The sad part
I suffered a loss that I cannot talk about. Metaphorically my head was cut off and I have to keep growing it back. I listen to an album that brings me to tears, and I cry, again and again, again and again, because I can't change any of it. I feel joy in the sadness, and when I grieve the loss of my children I feel all of the pain and I realize that our emotions are there to remind us to keep living. To keep going, despite being a member of a species where there are some individuals who delight in the damage they cause.
