The dream of reality

The barrier between being awake and being asleep is unmarked. At some point in early morning, I was aware of being in a hotel room near an amusement park with all of my family in rooms nearby. I could not fall asleep there, either. There were too many family members who were awake, coming and going.

In various rooms were my various children, their various parents and spouses, my siblings and their children. I could not wake up fully, and just wanted rest. I kept getting disturbed by their wakefulness and vivacity. Everyone was alive.

At one point, I gave up trying to sleep. I was unable to read the time on my phone. I went outside to get away from all the racket, and it was bright outside. I moved around the outside of the hotel, and went back into one next door that was more of a resort. There was an arcade, but I didn't recognize any of the games. I work at such a place, and I wanted to see what pinball games they might had.

There were none. I was excited to bring back my children later when it was daytime, except it was daytime, bright outside. I left the arcade, walked into this strange holographic theater that was showing a play with giant striped cats. I got my phone to take a picture of this for my daughter, and the time read 3 a.m. I was surprised! It was sunny outside and all of the strangers around me seemed to be awake.

I stopped a man walking past and tried to get his attention to ask him about the time. Maybe my phone was wrong.

I stopped more people. Or tried to. No one would interact me. I tried to touch someone and my hand passed right on through.

I realized I'd been dead for some time, and was a ghost, and nothing I did mattered. This was my fate, to haunt the world without being in it.

I woke up. Not into another dream, but into the early morning of my life. In the dark of my room, I could make out lines indicating writing, but they were too faint to read. And I was actually awake, acknowledging that I feel like a ghost every day, alone and doomed to being alone for the rest of my days. I am inconsequential now to so many I love, and that is my actual fate, to haunt the world without being fully in it.

I accept this reality and will strive to do the best I can within these parameters.