A statement for this moment

Last night I feel asleep around 9 or so. I woke up at 2 or 3, and tried to go back to sleep. I could not will the dreams to take me away, so I got up. I was groggy, but I knew I wasn't going to fall asleep. I had a nagging sensation I needed to do something.

I didn't want to get up but I knew I wasn't going to sleep. So I got up, and I went into sleepwalking mode. I put on a podcast and just turned off my executive function. I just did the work of cleaning up the house, hours before dawn.

Somehow, though, I ended up reorganizing my studio, which I've cobbled together over the past ten months. When the pandemic hit, I knew I had to get to work and so I did. And then I started cranking out daily journalism, beginning the process of creating a job for myself.

It's been months since I've spruced up my studio space. Most of my equipment is old, and I don't have the resources yet to buy new stuff. This means there are a lot of wires everywhere that aren't really optimized. I need to get a new mixer, and figure out a way to be add an option to record three events at once.

I did not do that last night. But I moved everything around in a way that seems much more functional. I now see how I can expand the operations to take over this entire room, which used to be my bedroom.

I can barely believe this. My confidence has been dinged the past month or so, but I'm spending my Saturday night working, just like I did when I had a part-time job. My work tonight won't translate into an hourly wage, but I am beginning to feel confidence again that I will find people who want to pay me to do the work I'm doing. I am establishing relationships with so many people.

I am not going to push myself hard tonight. In fact, I'm likely going to stop writing and producing in about an hour. After that? I don't know. Maybe I'll figure out a way to connect the electric organ I have into the mixer, and I'll mess around with sound.

I feel a sense of happiness at the moment. I know so many of us have been going through so much pain. We're human. You don't get through this life without feeling emotional pain. It's okay to feel it.

For me, I want to question my pain, and see how I can use to improve. That takes feeling it, which I have most certainly done. So have you. I hope we can find a way, all of us, to stop pretending that life if something that we should ignore.