The pulsing: a definition slightly

I often wonder what other people with anxiety feel. How does it manifest? Mine usually hits when I relax and begin to feel okay. Voices kick in and remind me that I'm a horrible person. It's a voice I can't shake, in part because I've lived a life where other people manipulated this to get what they wanted. it's this last part that has me a recluse as I approach 50, completely and utterly unable to take joy from anything.

All I need is myself and being alive and the ability to think, and to find a way to live with that voice which I never have to believe. It's just there, squawking at me. Sometimes it gains control of my nervous system and floods my system with a pulsing sensation that I have to breathe through.

Ironically, writing can create these feelings, too. But writing can also push them away. The main obstacle is a voice that tells me no one cares, no one should care, and that I am a mistake who was never supposed to be here in the first place.

This is why I work all the time. There will be no joy in Tubbsville, as there is always another day to get up and write things quietly, once again posting this to "Only Me" after about a minute. It's better for me to be contained and away from people. I've always known that.