This will always be the my least favorite time of year. I so look forward to it being over. When I can forget there's a holiday, I'm okay. So I take a moment to just sit and take in the sun as I write to squirrel away as much work as possible. The only think I am useful for is work, and the only thing that allows me to relax is feeling like I am accomplishing something.
I am a solitary person and being around people is hell. I can only do so in limited qualities. Whenever I am around people, all I can think of is how much I do not measure up to their expectations. Knowing I can never satisfy anyone, I've sought out a life where I satisfy myself by trying to be useful and to have a life where I can see as few people as possible.
This isn't a call for help. It's an exercise to articulate who I am and who I always will be. I know I was not supposed to be born, and I so wish I could just give my life to someone else who might make a better go of it.
Still, the sun is nice. Being rendered insignificant is bliss.
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