Describing the pause

Every now and then, I hit a series of obstacles that derail my momentum and I end up wondering if I'll ever write again. Both yesterday and today I feel like I've used up all of my interest, and fear I've been getting it all wrong the whole time. 

This can be quite debilitating because I've got a lot I need to write in a given week. Maybe too much, which is what's worrying me on this Friday evening in mid-November. 

I have enough administrative to work to do to make it feel like I'm doing something. One of those is to post articles from Charlottesville Community Engagement over to the Information Charlottesville site. Another is to update cvillepedia, even though that's not at all part of my job anymore. 

I keep dreaming of other places and exploring my own life rather than spending it writing about this one community. I have made a decision to stay here long term and I'm going to honor that because I'm five decades old now, and I've spent more than two of them here. 

I know I'll be okay tomorrow and will get right back into the work. There's a part of me that knows when I can pull back and recharge, but every time I do so I begin to feel tremendous guilt. This guilt needs to be kept in check, but it's a very real feeling that makes every thought suspect. 

And all I can do is just sit with the feeling for a bit and try to shift my mind to something else. That's what the past two days have been. Something is keeping me from focusing on work, and I need to figure that out through just going through what I can. 

I've worked really hard this year. The past three years. It doesn't seem like I've taken any time off, and that's beginning to hit me as the year ends and I find myself wanting to be in other places.