Back then I had a life. Now I mostly have the work. Today is the fourth anniversary of the newsletter and podcast I began in order to give myself something to do. All I ever wanted to do was be a journalist who writes about the community and now that's what I do.
And not much else.
I don't like to meet other people anymore because that might influence the stories I have to write. I first began to feel this phenomenon when I was at Charlottesville Tomorrow, and that was my job. Then it wasn't my job and six years ago I was at another one where I had to tell people what to think.
I barely know what to think, only that thoughts pass through me like clouds. Sometimes they are connected and other times they are not and today is a day I want to make sense of it.
To do that, I'm not allowing myself to write anything or work on anything at all except until I allow myself to do so. I have learned that when thoughts are leading to unhappy places, it's best to disengage and halt for a moment.
Perhaps it is time to write some of these thoughts here, semi-public, with almost no idea anymore if anyone reads any of it. With a sometimes notion that none of this is real. Now it must be time to get back up and move around the house for this is a time when I've already connected one story and I don't know if I can do another.
But of course I can. I am here to weave and thread and plot out a mosaic and that's all I can do so it's what I will do today.
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