I am one hundred percent aware that I'm in past the red line in terms of a lot of things. I'm stressed out a lot and I work through it.
It's just that there's so much to get through. And me being in two places sort of makes it more difficult for me to recharge and reset.
And everything seems to always be moving, and the track is not smooth. There are bends and inclines and bumps and sudden squealing for no apparent reason.
I am calm at the moment and not working as I prepare myself for a journey back to one of the places. I'll be back to this place in a month for maybe a week, but that has not yet been fully determined.
I feel I'm going to get in trouble. Or rather, I feel I am in danger. This may not be a fully-formed thought, yet there is always a sense that something bad could happen at any minute.
Have I confessed this in this digital collection of thoughts that now goes back over 20 years? I'm not sure, but I definitely feel like I'm being watched from the future by people I will never meet. If you are such a person, I'm thinking of you and trying to imagine who you might be. What do you want from these words? Are you looking to cause me further harm, or do you mean peace?
I've broken several friendships in the last month or so. Something in me has snapped again, the same way it's snapped before. I'm sure that's back in the past.
Could it be me it's me in the future looking back? What does that person look like? Are they me, or will my personality have changed?
Will the constant pit in the stomach be there? Sometimes I can't feel it at all, but I know it's always here. I would like that future me to have conquered it. Current me knows that breathing helps, as does isolation from other humans. If I'm around other people, I tend to project thoughts into them that may not be there.
Though sometimes I know the thoughts are there, and it's too confusing to have to experience and so I spend most of my time alone. I crave time alone and that is how I calm down and relax.
Yet, that's not enough sometimes. And I have thoughts about what I might do differently. Do I always have to be a journalist, or could I retire and decide to do something different? What would that be?
I can't stop and think about that for the next hour. I remember I'm riding along rails that I laid down a long while ago now and I don't have any other means of travel. I have learned to master the experience by building mechanisms to withstand the flow of information, and the constant sense of danger from being the one who has built a channel to harness the floods.
Deep breath. Sometimes the pit swells up and takes over my entire torso, and it's like a pulsing throughout my body. I'm not at that point at the moment though I can feel it. I am not in my house and I want to relax but I find that hard to do if others will be around.
I take a break to find some information and to assuage the sensation by moving CCE-801 a little further. I believe I have satisfied the quota.
Comments