Confronting the issue

I'm sitting at my father's desk in the retirement home. One of my tasks at the moment is to get pictures from my library into my mother's iCloud library. My niece put my mother's phone in "assistive access" to make it easier for her to use because she struggles. My dad is on his bed napping and my brain is scrambled and so I'm not working.

I've put a King Gizzard concert on to try to add a little rhythm to my brain. I don't know for sure when I will be home, so right now home is my work. But I'm incapable of thinking about the same thing for more than fifteen seconds because at any moment I may have to get up to do something. 

So I'm looking through pictures in my iCloud library and that's often hard to do because there are pictures of my American children in there, but they're not my children. I remember the anger the stepmother had when I would use that pronoun. I don't know what the future will bring in terms of being in their lives, but I'm not hopeful. 

I look at these pictures and they seem to indicate that two of the three humans I helped created had a good time at my house. I find myself not wanting to think about that much because it's not productive anymore. And when I see those pictures of them reading, or on a hike, or at a museum, or in the house playing, it doesn't fit with the official story that I was not capable of being a parent. 

I don't think that's true. But I lost and didn't even bother to fight. And none of it really matters anymore, because I stopped being a parent and there's been a gigantic hole in my soul ever since.

My mother just phoned. She doesn't understand why she can't come up and be with my dad, but at the moment he is asleep and he just needs to be a patient. She can't be patient as she does not understand why she's being kept away.  

Do I understand why I'm writing this, or it just automatic? I'm going to go down and see her in a minute to keep her company. That seems more important and I'll get to it in a minute. 

This is not hard. This is not easy. It just is what is. Life is better if you accept the whirlwind and see where it takes you. That's how you learn to navigate through turbulence.