It's a Saturday and I'm feeling rundown. I was out later than usual with someone, someone I have been out with a few times. I have not dated for a while, and I'm not sure if this is dating. I never really learned how to do a lot of activities that other people do.
The bartender had to tell her twice to be quiet because she was quite loud. I was not embarrassed. Perhaps it was some of the content of her words, but there were only two other tables in the entire restaurant at 9 p.m. on a Friday night.
I want to write about her but not in this space. This space is quasi-public and could be found. My name is on here somewhere, I think, but I'm not going to look.
I don't feel like doing anything today, but that's now how this works. I wish this person had come back to my house, or I had gone to hers, and I wish things would accelerate a lot. I think I'm rundown because I really don't know how to do this sort of thing, because there's so much fear in me when I remember how nothing ever really worked out in the past.
It has been much better to avoid this sort of thing, but that's a lonely life. There's also the fear of being attached to someone, a feeling that has been more trouble than pleasure in the past. Even now I'm aware of all of these strange feelings in my brain, and I wish I was the sort of person who could just relax.
That is not me, especially now, in this time stamp. There is a lot of tension, and I want to be alive if I'm allowed to be alive. Perhaps I'll surprise myself.
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