The lament that turns into a lantern

Though I do all of this work in the community, I don't feel like I am part of it at all. I likely never will. This isn't where I'm supposed to have been, and I have this distinct feeling I should have moved on by now.
Yet, where would I go? I don't belong anywhere except here, in this place where I feel like a ghost all of the time. These feelings are more pronounced when I watch something like Everton's last match at Goodison Park. I don't have any feelings like that for this country where I have lived my own house.
And then I see the disunity all around. I see people who should be allies pitted against each other. I see people who don't care about the past, don't care about the future, just the ever-changing present.
So I'll spend another eight hours working today because I don't know what else to do. I don't belong here and I don't have anything else but my work.
I'll even delete this message and post it over to my blog because my entire life is one of writing to myself to try to stitch a life together. I've felt the need to document my life, but what sort of life is this?
A pretty empty one when I think about how I don't belong. That's a false thought, I know, but when these feelings come up I have to go through all of it. I'll realize it's actually quite full when I get to the end of the work day and I've written 4,000 words that maybe 40 people will read all the way through.
That's not a bad ratio.
Being alive at this moment and at this point in my life is a fantastic thing and I suppose I'll just keep going. I just wish I felt like I was part of something rather than a phantom who has yet to move on to the next haunt.
Everton's moving on to a new stadium and the song plays and I feel how far I am away from a place I've never visited. I see people wrapped up in emotion, and then I realize fate put me here so let's get back to the finer points of local government.



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