The holiday beckons and my systems begin to fail. No one responded to questions I asked about the story I wrote today and I thought it would be easy.
I just don't know how to relax.
I took a friend to the emergency room and couldn't quite get into the work and didn't write a newsletter. I'm considering taking the week off or at least to maybe just do one on Wednesday.
As I write this it is 5:59 p.m. and I feel like the night wants me to go to sleep. Perhaps there is a dream waiting for me. I certainly feel that I'm not really in my own mind at the moment with an inability to focus.
Perhaps I could wake up refreshed but that's hard to do in a house with four animals. The elder cats are stressed by the presence of a dog, and the new cat is taking advantage of this to seize new territory. Now she wants to be on the bed with me overnight.
I like the dog being here and I would get used to a routine where one was here. I will get used to anything, and the dog will go back to her person tomorrow. Tonight she wants to play, the dog, and I'm not able to get myself into the brain.
I opted to write this entry to help me focus and record something. If I lay a few breadcrumbs about who I am here perhaps it will lead to a new energy forming. Or perhaps time passes enough to just go ahead and seek out a new part of the evening.
The dog looks up at me expectantly. I don't have any energy to return. She's been here for three days and I know when I've processed the disappointment of the day I'll be okay.
I do not like to fail. Today's story was a failure. I wrote out a base of 250 words and sent out emails to a lot of people in the hopes one of them would return answers or a response. I didn't get one back, which makes me suspicious. This was a softball for an easy story.
I'll feel better about it later but I realize I just don't have any space to be interested in stories at the moment and I'm not interested in the business. A normal person would relax but I don't feel I can do that all of the time.
*
I have a television show on that I like. I've seen it before, twenty years ago. It's on in the background in the hopes I'll trick my working brain to come back to life for an hour or so so something might get done. This can be anything! Correspondence! Planning! Research! Actual copy!
But I know I can't always work.
I just don't know how to relax.
Breathing helps and sometimes I forget to do so.
It would be good to forget to work. Holidays weeks are where that sort of thing is supposed to happen. Relaxation. But when my family receded, I filled it with work. I filled my brain up with research about the world around me. I feel sometimes if I'm not adding more deposition, I'll lose my sense of perspective.
*
If I don't write a newsletter, I feel like a failure. There was enough content but I just didn't have the time. I do not regret this. I went to lunch with a friend after she was at the emergency room. She's the dog's person.
I don't feel like a failure today. At least not know that I've been able to process it. To sit down and commit some thoughts about who I was in this moment.
And to think that perhaps I can take some moments to enjoy some things. I can't take all of the time off, because I do enjoy what I do. I put together puzzles every day from the pieces I am given and I take this more and more seriously with each new sunrise.
A holiday week is a good reason to take a break, which maybe just means taking tomorrow off as well, at least from the newsletter. That will free up time to focus on other ideas.
As I write I am increasingly more comfortable with the idea of taking a break. I can also give thanks and power down a little, though there is still a mission to complete Wednesday and on Friday. Twice on Friday if you count the radio show!
And that's just it. Once I start writing, it's easy to just do it all. Something comes over me when I have the focus. I'm able to get something done, and today I used those powers and it fell short. I'll forget about the story, though, and people will still appreciate it because they'll learn something new.
For me, though, it's not what I wanted. But it moves the game along and I hope I'll be able to rebound later in the week with two deadlines for an external source. No! Three!
No one escapes the Town Crier Inquisition!
Which should not sound threatening as it's a reference I am not going to explain but will let YouTube do the job.
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