The older I get, the more I want to stick to myself and blot everyone out.
"Why are you writing, then?"
I don't always know the answer. By now it is clear I will continue a slide into poverty because that's what this country is like unless you agree to become one of the rulers. I may not have chosen for sure, yet, but I certainly know this is not a time to relax.
I've had a business for six years and this week I overdrew the account for the first time. And then the second time. I neglected to write down some payments that were going out. I have been taking my eye off of things. I messed up and it cost a lot of money.
I don't have any money already. It comes in drips and drabs and yesterday I spent time invoicing people for advertisements. I have to begin to make that part of the routine.
My 35th high school reunion is tonight but I made the decision tonight to cancel. There are many reasons for it but the main one is that I cannot afford to spend any money. I budgeted about $200 for a two-night stay away but realized at one point I just can't do it.
For a brief moment, a friend of mine invited herself to go with me and then another friend said that wasn't a good idea and then my mood plunged pretty low. Something about me is hopelessly broken and I'm tired of being alone, tired of having been a very bad person.
So, the goal now is to focus on work, find places to balance my life here and there, and try my best to get through to June 30, 2027. That's the second-earliest I'll end the business.
The first-earliest is December 31, 2026. I'm not sure I can do this anymore, but I know if I cut everything else out from my life I have a greater shot at being able to continue to write for people.
I made a huge mistake with all of the choices in my life. I see what I should have done but I can't change anything. All I can do is continue being on this island where I've found myself.
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