On paper, I've had a successful day.
I wrote the two stories I planned to write for C-Ville Weekly. I turned in both, somehow. It was agony writing one of them because I had to relearn a whole set of rules. I'm somehow terrified I'll get a detail wrong in the retelling. The issue is a controversial one and I can go back and write up the Planning Commission hearing as a preview before November 4 to give more of the story.
The other story I felt terrible about because I used an Instagram post past for my narrative to announce a business moving from one location to another. But I got it done and sent out questions to the owner. I didn't hear back until later and it's all turned out okay now.
I also finished a newsletter, writing one new story and printing a long one I wrote up on Friday when I was doing work on the radio show. I'd used some of the material for last week's C-Ville Weekly but I wanted to get the rest out as well as the information in the first story.
But at the end of it all today I felt absolutely awful, like there was a gigantic pit of worry waiting for me to fall into. In this pit are swirling around all of the things I'm not accomplishing. The sense that I'm retreating further inside of myself, but a competing pulse of sadness comes at me reminding me I miss being with people.
Yet I write these stories to try to document the greater place where I live. When I get details wrong I take it personally and sometimes the threat of getting it wrong is absolutely overwhelming.
*
A confession.
The Dominion bill was high because I really thought I had paid it. When the system came back online, I realized I'd skipped a bill. I've now paid the balance and the next month.
The actual bill was about $90 based on about 350 kwh. That's not too bad. Too high for one person and I'm going to try to make sure I turn off extra computers when I'm not using them.
Turns out the dryer hose was crushed, too. A souvenir piece of wood from college had landed on it, so it's working better now. I really need to replace it but that's a whole other post.
I also went to Kroger today because I had to drive past anyway so I stopped in and got $75 worth of groceries including a few items I couldn't ever get at Food Lion.
The Dominion bill was high because I really thought I had paid it. When the system came back online, I realized I'd skipped a bill. I've now paid the balance and the next month.
The actual bill was about $90 based on about 350 kwh. That's not too bad. Too high for one person and I'm going to try to make sure I turn off extra computers when I'm not using them.
Turns out the dryer hose was crushed, too. A souvenir piece of wood from college had landed on it, so it's working better now. I really need to replace it but that's a whole other post.
I also went to Kroger today because I had to drive past anyway so I stopped in and got $75 worth of groceries including a few items I couldn't ever get at Food Lion.
*
I work too much. I don't really know what else to do. When seasons change or routines break I begin to feel uncomfortable. Downtime is usually just easier work.
*
I just read over the second story and it's okay. I still worry about it. Some days I worry about the work that I do and how it might be that I get something wrong. This feeling is usually magnified when I mess up and don't pay a bill. Or when I miss an opportunity to do something interesting.
I made my choice over the weekend and now I feel the weird guilt that makes me question everything. I've got another trip to Pennsylvania coming up soon and I feel the disruption.
There's more in my head that makes me feel something is just really wrong and perhaps that's the sense that I know I don't have another day off for a while because I don't even know what I would do. These are the times of austerity and sticking close to home and doing the best I can.
*
I also spent some time answering emails to an account I barely check. There were only five real humans to respond to, and I've now done so. I helped one person try to find out what the rules for construction are on Sundays. I don't know the answer, but I'd like to find out, too.
I sent a media kit to another one, even though I have about four clients I could bill for advertising but struggle to get to the place where I can do that. I find it hard to think about the business which adds to the sense of fraudulence. Imposter syndrome.
On some days I don't believe I can do this. On some of them I'm working and I wonder when I'll get to feel relaxed again. I wonder when I'll go somewhere new.
I wish I could find the wonder in my community but I do not except in the capacity of my writing. I am hopeful maybe I can begin to believe in myself more.
I write this to try to document that I want to keep growing the business while I also try to build a personal life. Can I do that? I'm giving everything to this and it is not enough.
Unless I accept.
And acceptance is difficult when your mind is made of ocean.
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