Let's say there are two of me competing inside of the life-force that emanates from and around my body. Or perhaps let's describe a constant ebb-and-flow that cannot be stopped.
Either way I often find myself in situations where I'm constantly pulling at who I am in the form of agonizing doubt caused by the conflict of the two sides. What are the forces at work? Why do I find this hard to describe?
For starters, half of me wants to be getting to work to make sure the content can be done. The person I am in these seconds typing this is on board with that because it doesn't really matter what I have to say about myself and existence.
The other half now has control and believes that these entries in this set of journals are valuable for this has been going on for a long time. I have been able to continue in my profession making a name for myself.
Perhaps this is not a duality, though. Perhaps it is more complex. I have a fear of people finding out too much about me. I have a fear of responsibility and a deep seated lack of confidence in my ability to follow-through.
After a few paragraphs, I can look back at the words and begin to feel a sense of purpose filling all of the minutes. I can see that I will get work done.
Then the pain in the shoulder pops up. The mattress I use is beginning to lose its cohesion and I think I need to figure something else out. A nerve appears to be affected and this is usually at the moment where my body stops moving because I'm totally focused on writing.
I work too much, but there's no other option at this point. As such I'm not taking the time to really figure my way out through this current crisis.
"It's not a crisis," my mind challenges it is.
"I don't want to do any of this work today," another section pops up. "That's a crisis of sorts."
The version of me typing this paragraph is enjoying the music, a song called Awesome by a band called Heathers. I don't know anything about it, but Apple Music presented it to me. It is a Friday and on Fridays I listen to the "New Music" playlist.
I don't listen to the local radio anymore. Not even the station I produce a version of my newsletter for every Saturday. On this particular Friday, I don't have to produce one for them. Only about 200 people listen to the podcast version. I have no idea how many people listen to the radio. I don't think it's very much, but people write and tell me they listen.
I could take the whole day off today but there are stories that have to be fixed and completed. I have also told someone that I'll meet with them to discuss promoting something at Rapture. And then that gives me the motivation I need to begin to get to work today.
The best thing to do when the facade collapses is to begin to mimic the structure anyway. I take a deep breath and so do I and so will the next few. Together we can keep the neck from resting and with more movement maybe we'll figure out how to feel alive again.
This isn't really living. I think I'm all in agreement on that.
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