1/01/2009

Thoughts on 2009

So this is 2009, and what have you done? Last night I braved the outside to go to a downtown bar in order to spend the passage of 11:59 with strangers. I had fallen asleep at 7:30 PM and didn't really feel up to braving the elements. However, I did not want to spend the first minute of 2009 alone in my apartment so I went out with my friends.

2009 is going to be a challenging year. I'm basically starting my life over and trying to examine every single way that I do things. I'm trying to pressure myself to not be afraid of tasks that other people find routine. At the heart of all of my problems is a network of fears that has become embedded in every aspect of my behavior. I'm living the results of that personality.

So, in 2009 I am going to try to think of everything a little differently. I am reading up on all kinds of things about how people behave in an effort to understand why I am so petrified unless I'm playing the role of journalist. I find it hard to connect to people in a meaningful way, mostly because I'm so trained to be a passive observer of life.

And that's what I need to change. I'm halfway through my life, and there is much going on that is positive and meaningful. I have to hold on to that as I begin this year and as I continue to adjust to my new life.

I was glad last night to be in the presence of other people having fun. The place was packed with happy and beautiful adults who were enjoying themselves, and not thinking too hard about it. I tried to join them by just opening myself up to the vibe. I wanted to feel their emotions and soak in them for a few minutes. And, until 11:59 I was able to shut out all thoughts of myself.

Unfortunately, that was not able to last. Other things then happened which caused me to go back to my wallowing pit, and that's where I am this morning. Trying to hold on to the positive while constantly being reminded of the negative. I need to think about what this means. I need to research strategies to overcome that which is beyond my control.

I'm okay, though. I'll be okay. Thankfully the universe is a warm and comfortable place if you can find ways to open up to its majesty. That's the challenge of 2009, I think. It is time to fully realize this life of mine and to stop hiding behind excuses and fears.

Now, I'm not sure I can codify that into a resolution, so I won't even try. I feel I am on a new path now, one that leads to a healthier and saner version of myself. I've not been well and now it is time to get better.

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