It's a Saturday morning and I won't publish anything on deadline today. But I wake up wanting to use my time to get something done, because that's what I feel I am on this planet to do. Document as much as I can, including my life! I'm watching Newcastle play Sunderland in the third round of the English FA Cup. This is the equivalent of a major league team and a minor league team playing. The stands are filled with people there to support their team. Both teams are in kits with vertical stripes, which is making it very difficult to tell who who is who. Sunderland is 6th in the league just below the Premiership. Newcastle had a great start to the season but have not been doing so well and are mid-table. I'm not sure who I want to win, but my enjoyment of this sport is to watch what happens and appreciate how all of these matches fit together in a bigger tapestry. There's also no VAR - video assistant referee. Matches in the Premiership are a lot less exciting
There is a point each day where the enormity of existence hits me. This manifests itself in a physical way as I feel my body crushing under the weight of intense disappointment. Usually this happens after I have had a success. Success is usually publishing something or otherwise accomplishing something professionally. What does personal success look like? Somewhere in my inability to answer that question lies a tremendous sense that I'll never really be at rest for it makes me feel vulnerable. Yet I recognize you have to slow down, but when professional matters are not pressing I find that I have free time to ponder the constant isolation and the paradox it presents. In order to be productive, I need to spend a lot of time alone. But to move in a direction of more personal success, whatever that means, I might need more people around. Writing paragraphs on this topic helps me think and there are many times when jotting down my thoughts is enough to make me transition from the en