I've not been able to work very much in the last few months. I've been distracted by the roller coaster ride I've been on. One day I will be able to figure out a way to process that, but today, I finally had all of the elements in place to begin that journey.
Sudden bouts of sadness shut me down cold. Even though I might not feel sad, I suddenly become incredibly indecisive. I can't get my mind off of the recent past and the wormhole of previous negative experiences threatens to spaghettify me back to a time of crisis.
Today, however, I went to work. For the first time in ages, I put two computers together and began to work on a parallel track on two separate projects. I broke mental logjams that were preventing me from moving forward, in part because I scheduled today as time to work.
I'm not one for schedules. There are too many of them. I like to try to keep things in my head more, and it tends to work. The various schedules I have on Google calendar are all jumbled together. I have my personal calendar. My waiting and catering calendar. My work calendars. Calendars for when I see my kids. It all jumbles together slowing down my ability to get any of itdone.
The roller coaster has also been a jumble of confusing thoughts and terrible emotional pitfalls. For the past two months, I've kept to the straight path by exercising. That's been incredible, and it will continue. I have lost over thirty pounds since November. I look completely different.
But I haven't felt different. In fact, I've been concerned that I've not been able to work properly. Projects have taken way too long to finish. I've lost the speed that I used to have. I've not been exercising my ability to be sharp and nimble as I produce audio.
Today, though, I finished a project that was long overdue. I can't wait to write about it.
I also fixed the Charlottesville Podcasting Network today. I had neglected to renew the domain, and it took about 12 hours to get resolved fully. I didn't find out about until noon, when I got home from the gym. I went into a tailspin of sorts, because I wasn't pleased that the site was down on the day when we post WNRN's Sunday Morning Wake-Up Call.
(LISTEN: John Halliday and Krista Ferrell on the Big-Read)
Now I'm tweaking the theme a little, and listening to some old recordings from the past. A friend of mine has put an alarming number of songs on YouTube, but I don't dare link.
So, I think I'll be okay if I can just get my work ethic back. But, I'm also cutting myself some slack.