2/07/2009

Updates on a blissful Saturday

The snow is melting slowly. My dog Billy darts towards every single patch in the hopes of chewing a quick drink on our walks. But by the end of the day, all of the solid water should be gone. The beauty of a few days ago becomes the sustenance for the spring.

I'm typing while watching a football match, resting my right leg before tomorrow's scheduled big run. I'm hoping to do at least 7 miles on the road, something I've not yet done. My left ankle is also resting. Thanks to twitter, I've learned that I need to go and get some custom shoes or inserts made so that my new habit doesn't end prematurely thanks to crippling lower leg pain.

The mental pain I've been in seems to be fading, but I don't know if it will pass as quickly as today's snow. For the most part, each day is easier than the one before. However, phantom twinges of sadness crop up. I'm much better now about riding out the times of darkness, but it's still a fairly difficult time.

I will go and get my kids in a couple of hours, and we'll play downtown for a while. I'm really sad that the downtown mall is all torn up, because I could really use a shot of the bustling tranquility that comes on a warm Spring-like day. I'd love to sit outside on the patio while we eat pizza. Instead, we'll play at the Discovery Museum again, and then head back home to where I'm staying.

This will be the first night I've had my one-year-old son overnight. It will be a big step, but I'm ready for it. I hope my roommate isn't too bothered when he cries when he realizes his mother isn't here.

My daughter has been staying here three nights a week, and enjoying her second home. I am enjoying not being in the house I bought last year because I no longer feel welcome there. Stepping through the door fills me with sadness, regret, anger and the whole gamut of negative emotions.

I want to step through other doors that lead to a place where I can fully embrace the positive energy that exists all around us. I want to enter the gym every day and push myself harder as I continue my journey. I want to be the person I want to be, and let go of the person I was in the past. I want to embrace everything that comes my way, and feel it, and taste it, and be it.

People tell me that I'm smiling a lot more. At times I've been absolutely giddy because things have been going okay, with the exception of my broken marriage. I've rekindled some good
friendships. I've been taking time for myself. I've spent a lot of time with the children. My dog is with me every day. I bought a car this week. My parents are incredibly supportive. I'm back at my Tavern.

Should I be writing about this so publicly? How can I not? I'm a relatively open person, and I've found writing here to be incredibly healthy for me. I am hoping to continue to use this public journal as a way to stay positive, for I certainly don't want to shout the negatives anymore. I want to replace them with lessons for others, perhaps.

Life is grand. Despite everything, there is so much beauty and joy and that's what we have to hold on to.


No comments: