Someone last night made a comment to me that I lacked passion. I feel passion every day. I just don't entirely know how to express it. I'm so much in my own head that I sometimes forget to experience the moment, and then it passes. Somehow I became overly cautious.
The death of spring explodes so much beauty. These warm days we've been having are so cruel, and make sitting in the office seem like such a poor substitute for breathing in the crisp October air. I am grateful I can see a corner of this brilliant blue sky from my window. It will have to be enough for today, though I wonder how much longer until my own leaves begin to fade and fall.
Is it possible to capture this beauty through some form of art? Photographs come closest, but can't fully capture how it feels to my soul to gaze upon the bright yellow tree which was still green and fresh when I cut myself trying to impress a woman with my climbing skills. What seemed like a tiny cut has become a lasting reminder of that moment. Will it ever fade?
If I was a sports team, this would be called a rebuilding year. I'm still trying to sort out just who I am, and what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I have some of the answers, but not all of them. I think, in general, I'm doing better than the Washington Redskins.
If I was their coach, I'd likely tell them to enjoy the game for the rest of the season, and don't worry so much about the results. What does it mean to play football? Having never played anything but flag football, I don't know the answer.
I'd have to take the same advice for myself. This has been a year in which I haven't always known what I've been doing. I'm still there, wondering how to be a single man after being in relationships for a full decade non-stop. I feel like I'm in high school, and my writing reflects that. So do my nascent efforts at song-writing.
You know what? So what. I'm still learning how to be human. Still learning what it means to be capable of so much perception, still learning how to interact with others, still learning how to control the torrents of emotions inside of me. It's not every year that you're faced with so many upheavals.
My goal is to feel alive. To experience this life to the fullest extent that I can without hurting anyone. At least, that's my takeaway when the world is exploding with vibrance all around me.