I've managed to stay positive in the past hour and a half and to tell myself not to be negative with the customers. They're here to pay me, after all. It just means I have to dance around like a person approaching a black hole, stretched by the gravity of competing needs.
"We can't go on together with suspicious minds," sings someone who isn't Elvis Presley over the XM Radio. The signal cuts out every time I have to use the microwave.
So far I've cooked four dinners. There are eight people here. None of them are noticing that the faux Elvis is cutting in and out, even though I'm not cooking at the moment.
There's a football game on the television and I'm ready to be here tonight, to have fun and be positive no matter what. I'm here by myself, which is always stressful. I can get through it.
I don't know what's going to happen. All day I tried to imagine what my life would be like without being here. And, I'm scared to move on. I would love more than anything else to be part of a team that functions well and works like a team. I have that with Sarah and Beth, and was on my way to having that with Billy, but he's gone now.
I would love to be able to hire someone to work with me, and to focus on building the business potentially with an eye towards owning it one day. I know that's such a foolish thought, but there's something about this place that I don't want to end. I've written about this extensively and I'm sure I'll continue throughout the night.
For now, I'm going to clean a few things up and get ready to cook more meals. I will radiate positive energy tonight.
And that was the kind of night I love to have. Jeffrey Pink implored me to be positive, and so I remained that way the entire night. I had fun with all of my customers, and even served dinner to a nine-top. Pink kept me positive and for that I am grateful. We had fun with puppets, I got to play guitar for people for a while, met some fellow Hokies, and generally enjoyed myself.
I want to stay here. I'm home when I'm here, and maybe I should try to do something to formalize this as my home away from my home. I'd come back tomorrow if I knew there were people who would come in and want to hang out. I would hire a cook who could take care of the things I don't like to do. I would concentrate on building the community I've cultivated here.
But who knows? I know I'll be sad if I leave here, but maybe I could be successful somewhere else. The older you get, the more leveraged you are, and the harder it is to make choices. But, yet, it's more important than ever to make those choices. It's more important to begin defining how the rest of my life is going to be.
As I type this, things are pretty awesome. I lived today. I may not be where I thought I was going to be when I was younger, but things are pretty good at the moment. That's the point, right?