Here's what happens.
I'll be having a somewhat good time. In these moments, I feel positive and I feel so excited and happy to be alive.
Then someone will mention something about something I don't like to think about but can't escape.
This triggers a switch. I have a sudden sensation that gravity has been modified. All of the good cheer is being sucked away from me. I'm left with nothing but all of my negativity. Suddenly I don't remember what it like to feel good and my mind just repeats all of the negative thoughts.
During my birthday week, I was able to keep these feelings at bay. But now that time is receding and I'm a little worried I won't have another sustained period of good feeling for a while.
This is when I have to have faith that things will get better.
This is when I have to fight myself the most.
This is when I have to fight my past and try to move on.
But, dear reader, it's so hard.
I view my life as one big game of chutes and ladders, only there seem to be more snakes than you'd find on a normal board.
I write this publicly because it helps keep me honest. I can't write about the specifics publicly. I also acknowledge that this is no one's fault but my own. Only I can change.
So in about a minute, I'm going to hit "publish" because doing so will be an affirmation that I can get through this, and all the other future days where my entire body becomes filled with sadness. I know how to breathe, I know how to move, and I know how to survive this.
That's what happens.