10/27/2012

Things I've been meaning to tell you (redux)

In late December 2008, I posted something here that sort of set the tone for the past four years of my life. Looking back now, I'm amazed that I did not go into detail about what happened. I only remembered it based on the title of the post, and I'm glad I didn't spill the beans about what happened.

But now, I thought it would be a good idea to take stock on where I am right now in this, my public journal. Who knows what will happen in the future? I do not, but I can definitely say that a positive attitude will definitely move you forward in life.

For the first time in two and a half years, my children are asleep at my house. My house has been that of a divorced bachelor ever since I moved back in in May of 2009. For a time my children were here, and then they were not due to certain misfortunes.

Grief and mourning can lead a man astray, and that's certainly what happened to me. When I wrote the original post to which I referred to above, I was trying to put by best foot in front of an even better foot every single day of my life. I worked hard to lose weight, get in shape, and become a new man.

Yet, at times, I succumbed to the negativity within myself. I was not able to always be who I wanted to be, and as a result, my children were eventually not able to be here. This is something I regret, but in a journal entry I wrote to their future selves, I said that I would do right by them and I would work harder to be their father.

And now, here they are, asleep less than twenty-five feet away from me in the house that I work so hard to afford. I bought this house originally to be their childhood home and now it appears that it will be at least one of their homes.

Divorce is incredibly difficult for anyone, but it's particularly hard on those involved with young children. It certainly has been difficult for the children, but tonight I am writing from my perspective.

Briefly. Because so much of this is in the realm created by my private thoughts.

All I want to do is state that I feel more complete than I have in a very long time. I have waited for a very long time for them to be right here, in this house, the one that I want so badly to actually be my own home. How could I call this place home if my children did not at least partially reside here?

Well, tonight as I type these words I feel like the luckiest man in the world, to have fallen so far and to have climbed back up after a long arduous journey. For so long, I did not think this was going to be possible.

But, I stayed positive. I stayed positive even at times when I felt like giving up.

Now I sit here, listening for any sign that they are awake and that they might need something. So far, they have not. I put them to bed after cooking them dinner, reading my son three bedtime stories, and listening to an episode of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I feel like a father again. For the past month, I have spent more time with my children than I thought was going to be happen. I felt deep sadness every single day with them away from me, but so close. I fought off this sadness, though at times it enveloped me. I had become resigned to a life where I only saw them once a week.

Everything can change. You have to be ready to take charge when it does.

I stayed positive.

Look back through this public record of my life and you will see there were times when I was not.

I learned to let go of the sadness. I learned to let it wash over me. I learned to understand that what I was feeling was something I had to take in and understand, rather than react in the moment.

So, when things changed, I was ready.

I've been meaning to tell you that I've felt more happiness in the last month than I have in the past four years. And, I had so many happy times during that time as I made new friendships, learned how to be a better communicator, and took responsibility for my actions.

The end result?

I'm cooking my kids pancakes in the morning. We'll laugh and talk about the dreams we had, and we'll prepare for a fun day doing whatever it is we decide to do. And then I'll say goodbye to them as they go back to their mother, a very good person who I am proud of because I understand her journey and have nothing but compassion and respect for. She trusted me tonight, and I will pay that respect back with love and appreciation for who she is and the crucial role she plays in my children's development.

I wish there were words that could describe the smile on my face.

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