12/18/2013

A week from the day, two weeks from the night

It's a week until the day that more or less everyone celebrates, even if they don't literally believe that the son of the creator of the universe was born on that day. Something about the story of good will to all has more people thinking positive thoughts.

Careful readers might have detected that I've been ambivalent as this particular holiday season approaches, knowing that my children would not be here with me.

I've just put them to bed on the last night I will see them until New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, depending on how scheduling is going to work out.

"I want you both to know that I am not sad you will not be here. I am happy for you because you will be with family and that is important to me."

And that was not a lie. I am happy all of my children appear to have a rich life, participating in extended families. I am humbled by this, able to step back and see that people who I helped create have already moved on into a world that I do not take part in.

Isn't that so much of the world? I am struck by how few people I know despite having been around the sun forty times now.

For much of this year, I have been closed off to the idea that I could meet new people. I have regressed this year, and have spent most of this solar rotation keeping to myself. I fell in love with someone, despite having been warned early on by  her that there would be no reciprocation. I had been hopeful in some way to begin to feel like I could be part of a family again, but my hopes were not harbingers of happy days.

But I'm putting that behind me now, and I'm able to put into the same perspective in which I've put everything else. It always returns to me wanting to try to live a good life where negativity doesn't take hold and I'm able to make new connections.

It has been five years since the relationship that created these children ended, beginning a new chapter of my life that has been completely rewarding while harrowing at times. I feel that I am ready for something new to begin, even if that just means a new realization that it's okay to be alone, and it's okay to enjoy solitude.

But, of course, I will take some of the time off I have coming to me to try to meet new people. It's been a long time since I've done that, mostly because the kudzu of responsibility has engulfed me and I've not been able to craft an effective maintenance schedule.

So, coming soon. A fresh start, a new look, a better attitude and a renewed drive towards a positive life. In some cases, that's the most absurd choice of all. And the one worth taking.

We should all celebrate good will. All of the time. But even more or so in this week that coincides with time off for many people, but not for all.

Happy everything, everyone! 

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