Away from the fitness

I saved my life by devoting myself to exercise.

Maybe I can do so again. 

There was a time when I had nothing else to do but run. I dropped 30 pounds in four or five months as I ran and ran and ran. 

It's all back. And I'm not sure I have the willpower to make it go away. 

But, I'm trying to fight whatever demon in my mind wants me to stay away from the endorphins and the feeling of satisfaction that comes with being fit. Last week I bought new shoes for the first time in two years. And today I fought off a potential wave of sadness by signing up for a gym membership and promptly went for a three mile run. 

The strategy worked. It's wearing off now, for reasons I can't say, but I so hope I can remember this tomorrow and get some miles in.

I don't quite know when I stopped practicing the power of exercise, but I did. Maybe there's part of me that just doesn't care anymore. I hope that part goes away and that I can make intentional choices. I don't have a lot of control over things that are not me, but I need to get control of my time and insist on activity. 

But here's what happens. I choose work over exercise every single time. My work has taken over almost every aspect of my life. It pervades everything, even my dreams. At least twice a week I have stress dream where there's a permit I have to get or a news story written and none of it goes wrong. I get caught in endless loops, and my waking life isn't much different.

Today, for instance, I knew I wanted to run. But, as I was leaving to drop off my children at their mother's house this loud voice in my head said I should be trying to get to work as soon as possible. I'd taken a day off after my birthday, and I felt like I was somehow out of place. I played tug of war in my head for a bit, trying to justify the run, thinking of the work I needed to do, and finally I snapped and did the right thing.

I need a different direction. A different era. That's only going to happen if I make it happen. 

So, now I'm going to head towards fitness.  

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