I am not sure. I just know I'm working furiously to prepare, to fix myself, and now that summer is over I can work without thinking I need to go on vacation, I can just get on with it, and I can take joy in anything. There is nothing that can stop me now but my own falling leaves, my own decay.
Music from the past can help. I'm reading Kim Gordon's memoir, Girl in a Band, at the moment, and I began my work day by listening to an album I'd not ever heard before by the Raincoats, a British all-woman band from the 1980's and I'm tempted to just listen to the whole thing again a second time.
Seems appropriate to hear as I begin the last four months of a year that I had high expectations for that has turned out to be more of the same. I'm halting the slide, though. I'm on the way towards something a little bit different. I'm on the way towards a new middle.