Secret music

I wonder if anyone will ever listen to the music I've made over the past six years. They're improvisational journeys that capture specific moments in time while reflecting on all the other moments in time I've had in my 42 years. 

Technically it's not all there, but I record myself as a way of speaking to the universe that I know, which includes myself. I'm sometimes able to project things that really capture how I'm feeling about a particular issue. I'm able to release myself and just communicate with myself in a way that words don't do as much as they used to. 

Words alone aren't enough for me. For the past eight and a half years, I've been employed as a writer who just writes text. I've enjoyed being on the radio at WTJU as part of Soundboard, but it's going away at the beginning of the year.

I miss making audio of any kind. I learned how to produce public radio pieces because it continued a tradition of making audio that goes back to my childhood. I loved making sound happen, capturing my voice on a tape for a series of silly things I did with my best friend growing up. 

Listening now to music I did in mid-summer makes me glad I've not stopped believing in the power of making sound, music, whatever you call it. I've given myself a soundtrack that makes sense to me, helps me feel like I've achieved something, just by capturing something that's intimate on tape, over and over again.

As I said, technically I'm not sure if this is music at all or just the mad ramblings of a crazy person. In this moment when I write this word, though, the creation I made happen by believing in myself by hitting record is making me glad I've tried.

Could anyone listen? Would anyone be entertained? I don't make what I make for anyone else but me. But that keeps me from even trying to find others to play music with or even to find people to play it for. It's almost like I have to keep it secret because it's the only thing that I don't want ever to lose. 

Listening to me sing on the nights where I feel confident is very important to me. 

I have a voice. Many voices. I'm a reporter who has the fortune to have been on the same beat for eight and a half years. I'm a father who encourages his kids to learn as much as they can about the world. 

I'm also a person who has a creative point of view that is not currently being expressed.

Publicly, at least.

Privately, I have hours and hours of my demo tapes.

Will anyone ever hear them? I hope so. I'd like to think there's material in here that could be fleshed out into something. 

But I don't think I should put out the raw stuff I'm currently doing. I'd like people to know about it, which is why I guess I'm writing about it tonight. There's a whole creative side of me that I would like to explore. That's the direction I'd like to take. 

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