I am trying my best to not let that happen.
I'm not exercising. I seem to instead be working as much as possible. I seem to not have leisure time at the moment. Everything feels like a job, but knowing that, I'm kind of relaxed about it. I'm doing good work, even if I sometimes begin to lose faith in myself and the quality of what I do.
I'm more cautious than I've ever been in my life. I don't take risks anymore, not the way I would have in the past. I don't ask anyone out. I don't go anywhere spontaneously. I don't look for other jobs. I don't look to have adventures.
I know what I have to do, and what I do is work.
Well, work and play Minecraft.
I need to be doing something purposeful at every moment, it seems. Even my chosen pastime is a form of work, as it takes a lot of time to accomplish the objectives of the game. I'll spend weeks on a particular task I'm trying to accomplish.
Yesterday, I converted back into a zombie villager, repopulating the first village I ever saw in my game world. There's only one of them so far, but I remember the tremendous loss I felt when I realized that my nocturnal mining habits had attracted so many zombies that the entire village was wiped out.
Forgive me if I don't explain tonight.
As I type this, I'm listening to a Board of Architectural review meeting, half-listening to the things the architect is telling them about the parapet, something about utilitarian spaces, something about demolishing a building and preferred strategies but I'm not really listening at all. All of their words are being processed by me, though, as my ears perk up occasionally when I hear something that interests me.
They've perked up a bit as I sift through the words for details I can tell to others. That's what I do. I sift through the noise for things I think people should know. I've done this for over 20 years now as a journalist.
When it comes to other creative outlets, though, I don't know what other people would be interested in. I just make my noise and hope one day others will sift something and make sense of my sensibilities.