(harvested from email)
It's 7:32 a.m. I'm supposed to be somewhere in an hour or so to record it for use in a podcast today. But, I know I can get the audio if I wait a day or two.
I don't want to be around other people. I generally don't. I
used to like that, but these days I'm very concerned about those who might not
like what I'm writing.
I avoid conflict, and you were right about that in a chat recently about why I choose not to date. It doesn't seem like it's worth the risk, when what I treasure most is my brain.
My brain doesn't do well if I'm in interpersonal conflict. I can look back on my life and see the storms. I sometimes think I crave physical contact, but the idea of it is ultimately more fulfilling.
But there's conflict in me, too. Right now I don't want to lose time getting ready and going over there to PVCC for the event. I don't want to find the equipment I would need to connect to get sound.
The most important fact, though, is that I could get the recording later. I used to like the challenge of going and getting audio, but that's a hassle now because I don't go out into the field.
It would be good to make an appearance at this event to let people know I actually do exist, but these days I do have a weird sort of fame and people want to talk to me and I'm not always about that because I don't want it to go to my head.
Of course, it has gone to my head. I know I'm an important
figure in this community, but I don't want to be. I want to be anonymous and
reveal myself to others, in bars, to strangers, and not to the governing class
here.
I'm writing this to distract myself long enough I make a decision it's too much to get ready to go. This isn't worth a blog post, and I don't advertise my blog anyway.
I do make a living off of my work. This is all that matters to me at the moment because I quite like being independent. It doesn't always feel free because there's always work to do. I always know what I have to work on next because I have a system and a routine of sorts, and when I have to leave the house for any reason it gets thrown off.
I can get the audio later. And if I give myself what I want (to avoid going to an event) I'll work extra hard this morning.
It is 7:47 a.m. and I have made the decision to stay home and work, knowing I can get the audio for my purposes. That means I can spend the next two hours working, which will allow me to get the radio show done and move the next newsletter forward. It also means I can have the peace of mind I won't say the wrong thing to someone. I also do not have the energy to socialize.
And, the thing is, either would is a correct choice. If I felt like there was a need to socialize, I would. If the only way I could get the audio was to go, I would. But it's more important to me to work on the things I need to get done.
Anyway. This helped. I hoped it's okay I wrote this as I needed to write it with someone in mind.
It's 7:49 a.m. and I'm going to voice up the first track for the radio show. But first, I may take ten minutes to clean up the studio a little. I feel relief I've made a decision and feel okay with it, no more second-guessing.
My brain.
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