I'm sitting at my front room table, the one that used to be in the dining room. I didn't work yesterday because I was out of energy. This was due to two nights in a row of having fun. The whole time I've been full out with the work I do, work that I have spent the last five years building up.
It's a beautiful morning. I slept most of the day yesterday. I also barely ate anything and even now I'm hungry and I don't feel like eating.
There's so much I want to write about the way I feel about the life I'm living, and what's missing, and how empty it feels. And then some music kicks in and I feel better instantly because I am the culmination of all of the decisions I have made. I have to trust my earlier selves and realize they put me here and I have to honor that and make sure I do my part to fix the things that are broken.
Yet, is this entirely true? At the moment, I am in a community where conflict seems to be easy and routine. This conflict blocks cooperation. There is division everywhere, seeming shards of humanity that may yet be put into a mosaic.
I must remember that this is what I wanted, all of those times when I was about to take a risk. I have built something up and I must take stock of it and build whatever pathway happens. I cannot bind my future selves by making a harsh decision, the way I have done before.
In front of me on this day is whatever I make of it. I believe there are decisions I must make to increase the chances of my life paying off, up the likelihood I'll complete the mosaic and start another.
I must always remember I write to bring illustration to my life. By recording myself as much as possible, I've created a version of me that may life after me. I am hopeful someone will take an interest and maybe discover these days in the future.
Why hopeful?
I have a sense of wanting to have been part of something bigger. I play a different role and have a different perspective and yet I know I can lose that if I'm not too careful.
I finished Utopia Avenue yesterday and broke into tears as I realized what was happening at the end, and I felt like it was about to happen to me. It's been a long time since a work of fiction pulled me in like that and I want it to happen more.
I'm writing this now because I feel like I am stuck on a day when it's a holiday Sunday, absolutely beautiful and there are so many people I would like to spend it with but then I'd have to be a different person. I seem to be distant, seem to be a ghost. Perhaps this is the effect of playing that role?
I'm not sure.
But I know it's time for me to get back to it. King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard playing Raw Feel on May 23 in Barcelona has concluded so I'd better get to it.
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