I'm sitting at a round glass table in my sister's house. I'm back in Middletown Township, or Langhorne, or some other subsection of Bucks County, Pennsylvania. My parents are in a different subsection somewhere close by at the retirement home where they've lived for a couple of years.
I was supposed to have been here anyway on this trip but my dad's medical conditions have taken a turn for the worse. A week ago he was sent to the hospital after falling twice in the night, and he didn't get out until Wednesday. We've had to take an interesting step to get him to remain at the retirement in his room.
My own emotions are calm. Watching my parents reach the later stages of being alive hasn't been difficult as I'm well aware of the existence of loss and the fleeting nature of every moment. I'm here to do my part and to allow my sister to get away for a week.
This is the fifth time I've been here this year. That's fewer times than last year. I'll be here until at least next Monday and have extended the trip a few extra days. I will still be able to work and I'll be able to help my dad feel comfortable.
My mother, too, but that's a different story as her condition is different.
Both are fortunate to have been the beneficiaries of a political system that created a safety net to help people. That safety net is now under attack and I've not had much time to write much about that. I know since the most recent federal election I've been working as hard as I can to do what I can, but I know I'm tired and need a break.
Kalamazoo is a blur. The last week in Charlottesville is a blur. Today is a blur as I worked a full day and more in order to clear my plate as much as possible for whatever happens in the next little while.
Two years ago, I was in Lynchburg with my dad at the first place they moved after Dogwood, waiting for a surgery. I spent the entire summer assisting, and even believe I missed an opportunity to start a relationship with someone.
Since then, I've become very good at finding space to work. Work is how I am part of the world because people seem to enjoy what I do, even though I don't get as many comments as I would like. Maybe that's an okay thing. Sometimes I want positive reinforcement. Most times I remember I can give it to myself and that's enough.
I'm sitting here at this glass round table and I'm typing while listening to demo versions of King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard songs. I was going to go to see them play on July 28 but I don't think I will be doing that now. I don't want to be too far away from my parents if something happens.
I feel like I've lived enough years and I hope for more. But I also don't know if I need to live part a certain age. I know a good chunk of my life is over and I know that while I feel young, I've begun to age much faster. I see an old person staring back at me now, and yet inside I feel younger than I have been in a long time.
I want to pick a pathway that's going to work for me. I want to accomplish much as I can in this time I have left. That may mean making different life choices. It may also mean embracing those same life choices. I just know what I want to continue being whatever it is I became in response to my parents. I am not them, but I couldn't be who I am without them.
They're never going to understand me. Where they ever going to understand me?
I can say after seeing my dad today that he's not going to ever be up for an interview. And right now I'm looking through pictures of Christmas 2024 just before he had his first hospitalization for orthostatic hypotension. My first two trips of this year were related to checking in on him after that, and I spent a week looking after him in rehab.
And now here I am again. Soon I will go to bed and wait to see what happens tomorrow. But for now I want to look back through some of these pictures and remember more about where I was at the time and where I am now and all that's happened in between.
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