I'm emotionally hungover from seeing my father's health deteriorate in the last three months. I'm rethinking my life and wondering if I should listen to the voice inside of me.
Of course, that voice changes frequency all of the time as my mind wanders through memories and dreams all while being exposed to new stimuli.
Tonight I'm supposed to go to a fancy party, one I can attend because I write for the magazine. I don't really feel like doing so, as I'm at a moment where I'm aware that everything in our lives is constructed. I'm concerned my facade will not hold up to the scrutiny that comes around people who may not worry constantly about money.
I've also had a long stretch of time where I've felt comfortable with relaxing and being positive. I want to maintain that and I remember that the last time I went to one of these, I was sad for a week.
I am like me. I don't know what other people are like, but I know I have a hard time being in crowds. For many years I've been prone to damage from the slightest critique.
With a small following of readers, I've had to put up some shields. I got to a handful of places that feel safe. I don't really like to talk about my work with strangers because I worry I may say something they'll interpret as a hard opinion.
My voice changes tone and shape depending on where I am, and unfortunately, by what I may have been drinking. Last night I may have said things I will regret not because I said them but because I said them out loud in public.
So tonight I'm wondering still if I will attend the event. I definitely will go because I've had too many times when my anxiety has had the best of me. I don't mind that I'm going to go alone because there's at least one person I hope to see there, but that's another fear.
I'm not sure I'm ready for a close-up with so much concern in my mind about the world.
***
This morning I am forcing myself to do something I don't like doing. Or at least, something I am not good at doing. I don't really know how advertising works but I have to figure it out. Or try to do so at least.
I'm trying to rise above whatever sadness wants to pull me down. I'm unsettled after this recent trip. What if I'm wrong about all of it? Why haven't I written any of it down yet? Could it be I do not want to?
Of course, that's how what it's like to be a writer. I have to pick apart all of my thoughts. I've spent so much time together that it is how I pass the time.
I've made three advertisements so far and now I'm going to write a story that needs to be written. I have so much email to get through. I don't want to go to the party because I don't think it will do me any good. I'm not feeling very strong. I have to write two stories for the publication and I don't seem like I want to do that at the moment. I want to relax and try to process these last six weeks since my dad went to the hospital.
Anyway, I'll figure it out. I'm not going to allow myself to fall into the sea of doubt at the moment.
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