When the match between Fulham and Chelsea enters halftime, I'll go outside for a walk. So far this morning I've walked in my house organizing things. I want to get rid of at least half the stuff stored here because I don't believe I need this many things.
Much of the material comes from my parents' house at Dogwood Place in Campbell County. I've cauterized my heart to feeling any loss from that space and have learned that feelings can be optional. Or at least, we can choose how to respond and try to stop from going down the negative path.
I realize at my age that I've not been as healthy as I could be. Since going to Kalamazoo, I've pledged to walk as much as I can each day. Yesterday I was exhausted and rundown and yet somehow I made the quota. I am concerned that the return of the Premiership means I'll spend time sitting here automatically watching these matches.
There are three minutes left before the half and I'm aware of the clock ticking. There's a limited time to say what I want to say, and it turns out I don't know what I want to say. Who I was becomes a collection of what got written down. Perhaps open to interpretation, but we're living in a time when no one's really paying attention to anyone else unless they're shouting.
There are now two minutes and I've got a full day ahead of me. What will I do? I know I have to get a podcast version out and I know I need to begin to get stories together.
I know the walking is coming. I don't listen to anything when I go out for a stroll. I want my thoughts to present themselves. I love the time of the deep think as I let everything wash over me. I am grateful for my younger self for not being able to stay in a relationship. It's much more peaceful in this now, a quiet place I can always fine in this time of constant chaos and noise and uncertainty and fear.
Everyone deserves a moment of calm.
Sometimes you find extra seconds before the whistle is blown. Sometimes something happens that adds more to the clock. That allows a chance to add more writing, but I choose instead to lace my boots so I can venture forth.
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| I suspect this is now gone because it is gone. |
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