There is much to say about not getting what you want. But why write unless there is to be some sort of change?
The change will likely not occur, but perhaps it will. Each day I am hopeful for what I want.
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The end seems closer than ever, like it might be just around the corner. Perhaps this is an illusion intended to promote survival. And somehow that notion is changing me a little.
But not enough. I'm still making the same mistakes again and again.
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There are times I am convinced this is a simulation and the rules are clear about the boundaries that cannot be crossed. Increasingly I see the same patterns and realize there's little I can do to adjust the gameplay.
And then all of my insides shake because it is not fair. And I have to breathe through it all in the hopes of becoming calm and stable again.
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That always seems to happen because I am programmed to get to the other end. I will never know, though, how it all turns out.
The shaking always subsides.
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