Sometimes, the isolation

I'm not entirely sure why I feel I need to isolate myself from the world at the moment. I didn't come back from Pennsylvania the same person. I'm losing interest in a lot of things including the work I do. This may pass but it may not. I don't know. 

I'm in a time where I feel I need to reevaluate how I live a lot of my life. In the short term I feel this era of seriousness has begun. For the past year I've allowed myself a lot of room for taking time off but at the moment I feel a need to always have a thought about work. There's a lot to do. 

At this hour, on this evening, I'm watching a Spiderman movie because I feel this is something that will be relaxing and not about work. I missed a deadline yesterday for various reasons and I'm hopeful tomorrow I'll have energy to make up some of the time. 

I might be pushing myself too hard, creating this need for isolation to ensure I always have the capacity to work. But what happens when the energy has faded to the point where there must be rest?

I don't know. But I know replenish by constantly processing my life and constantly trying to do something to mark the time I am passing through. This season is one of reflection and introspection.

Any more tonight? 

I don't know. I've been here before for so long, this person who just writes into the night when alone. I've been there for so long I crave the isolation. There are times I can't reduce my thoughts enough to be around other people. So I retreat into myself to protect whatever I've done all these years to get to this point.

I won't always be this way but there's a need to reboot myself. Why am I who I am? That's not necessarily the point of this particular repository but what is the reason I keep posting these? 

Marking time. That's all. I have to do it somewhere if not in the actual world with other humans. 

I'm quite happy. This is just a season. 

This film did stupid things to my brain, the one I am watching. And as I rewatch I find myself remembering how powerful illusion can be and how amazing that can be when it propels us through our lives to new heights, knowing full well we can always fall.