Thoughts between Orange and Culpeper

The Virginia countryside rolls by as I move further away from home and toward the second one that serves as the locus of my family. There are a lot of children on board and I'm delighted to hear sounds of people playing "I Spy" with so many things to choose from.

The train's north of the Town of Orange now, maybe already in Culpeper County and every so often the train horn blares. I chose this over driving and I'm so glad to have this moment and to be part of this country. There are all sorts of people on this crowded train, and I feel part of this moment as we all head off to spend time with our families.

The Blue Ridge mountains are to the west but there are still sizable hills to the east. Of these hills, I see one that I stood on top at some point in the past during a dark time in my life when I wasn't working as a journalist.

I'm going to keep working this week because it's a joy to be able to write stories for a living and in order to keep that up, I am reluctant to stop. I always live in fear I'll forget how to put one word in front of the other.

Approaching the town of Culpeper, the rolling hills give way to a few subdivisions and some industrial sites. I think of the time I stopped in Culpeper with my English son in May 2023, the last time I spoke with him at length. I wish he was on this train with me, as I wish I could be experiencing this with my American children.

I have hope for the future because I remember there are dark times and there are light times and sometimes they are happening at the same time. The train begins to slow down and the conductor prepares those getting off. We pass what appears to be a military cemetery and there are wreathes on all of the graves. There was an event earlier this month for such things.

The bridge across the railroad tracks is coming together nicely. One day people will be able to park here and the commute into DC. I think about how it would be interesting to live slightly closer to that place, but then remember if I was going to be anywhere else right now, it would be closer to today's destination.

Yet, I know I won't be leaving Charlottesville anytime soon. It is my home despite many memories of when the dark was so blinding I couldn't see the light. I feel more balance now than I did before and I'm grateful for all of those who assist me along the way.

Winter / Summer nighttime comparisons

Something about the middle of the night in the summer doesn't feel the same. I won't let myself do any work at that time.

But here I am close to the winter solstice and I've been awake for the past hour doing chores including packaging up yesterday's meal for future dinners. I've got four more coming.

And now I'm likely going to work until 4 a.m. or so on a long-term project for three weeks from now, and then sleep until 7 a.m. or so. Maybe later. Who knows?

I just know there's something calming about the middle of the night in winter with more profound silence as I go about my life doing whatever it is that I do.

First Seven Jobs

(this was a draft from 2016 I never posted but have done so now) 

I really appreciate the meme of #firstsevenjobs so I'm going to answer it. I really enjoyed having to think back. Our jobs define who we are, and in our times so many of us do so many different things. I've kind of condensed a few of these, as I'll explain below.

1) Lawnmower - Transworld Connections - My dad opened a factory in Campbell County, Virginia, in 1985. There was a very large yard. I got paid to mow that lawn and my lifelong dislike of yardwork began. I was 12 or 13 when I began mowing the lawn, and I used the money to buy comic books. This only lasted a couple of years. I was eventually replaced by people who knew what they were doing.

2) Pizza Hut Cook - There was a strip mall near my house and a lot of my friends worked at the Pizza Hut there. I applied in April 1990 and got hired at $3.90 an hour. I had a great time working with Jon Bruffy, John Blanchard and the late Brian Mercado. We all worked hard to make it great and we goofed off in so many ways. I'd love to write more about this time in my life. I quit in October 1990 because I was told I would be fired if I didn't shave off my beard. My first rebelious work activity. And the beard was just scruff.

3) Domino's Pizza Sign Guy - This was only a four day job, but it's worth noting. I held up a sign for four days because a former manager of Pizza Hut worked there and I thought about seeing if they needed a cook. I mean, I had pizza experience! But, it never amounted to anything and I spent the rest of high school not working.

4) Dishwasher - Virginia Tech dining / various media outlets: I have to lump these two together because they represent the first part of my college experience. When I got to Virginia Tech in the fall of 1991, it was understood that I would have to pay for my living expenses. Room and board and tuition were covered. The rest was up to me. So, I got a job working at the new dining hall. I've forgotten the name. I did this for three semesters, but in the fall of 1992 I became involved with a weekly newspaper called the Preston Journal. I got my first taste of being a writer who wrote articles in the public interest. I eventually opted to use my free time to spend there and was even appointed as managing editor just six months after I began. In 1993 we began publishing twice a week. By November 1994, we had crashed and burned.

4) Car director for FMLA conference at Virginia Tech - Another temporary quick job, but one that is interesting because it came right before a pivotal moment in my life.

5) Delivery guy / waiter / Manager at Backstreets

6) Intern, WVTF Public Radio

7) Waiter, Lui Lui restaurant in West Lebanon New Hampshire / Intern, New Hampshire Public Radio

I am in the moment

I am in the moment when the sun is shining on my face having climbed into the sky high enough to be warm through my front room window. I am celebrating a holiday by myself and feel no pangs of sadness and remorse. There is work to be done and my job is to do the work and figure out how to keep unfurling.

One way is to capture the sun in words and remember that I am alive as sentences pass through me, no matter what I write. There is always a power in connecting to whatever spiraling tape has been filtered through the magic lantern of my mind already.

There is a need to remember the sunlight when the darkness comes, and so I will do my part to reflect that which fuels me when I can remember that there is always the totality to consider and I get to choose how I direct it. 

I am in this moment but there have been others and there will be more. They all connect. They all loop back. They are all part of the journey no matter what happens. 

But may I always remember the feeling of the sun on my face on all of the moments I have been fortunate enough to feel the power of existence. 

I will always walk alone

Liverpool is about to play Real Madrid. The crowd at Anfield is belting out "You'll Never Walk Alone" but I do that every day.

I chose a career that reflects how I feel about being an American. I'm not directly part of anything, only indirectly. I live in a community where I mostly isolate so I can be a better report.

Twenty-years ago I was hoping to go to England, and was moving in that direction, but then something happened that kept me here. My heart was ripped out over and over again, and now I operate without one. More AI than person.

But I hear that crowd and a small piece of emotion can be detected. I write another few paragraphs to kill it and remind myself it will always have been my fault because that is what my abusers did to me.ll reac

The times we are in, the inn to escape the times

Awake at 3 a.m. or so. Doom-scrolled again, something that likely kept me awake. Yet, I did get six hours in.

Didn't get out of bed until 6 a.m. and now thinking about how I respond to the person angry about a story I wrote that was factually true.

The last time we went through this, all sorts of people pushed to take what power they could. I lost a lot because of this, but somehow kept going.

All I can do now is keep my house clean, cook some food, and keep on the pathway I know may lead to pain I can't even imagine at this time. Or perhaps I deviate.

I do not know. All I know is that there was amazing music in Denmark from the 70's and that a lot of people have felt pain throughout life. Humanity is a species with many personality types, some of which are to be avoided.

But then times come when you cannot.

Thoughts from a train, August 20, 2024

I want them to be better.

I want Charlottesville to be a place where people work together.

I want America to be a place where people work together.

What fuels me is a sense that it can happen and the “United” in United States of America is an aspiration. I want humanity to excel, and to do that, there must be a sense of commonwealth. Fewer fiefdoms. I don’t want to be the best. I want to be part of a happy, clean river.

I’m writing this from an Amtrak train and am ridiculously happy as a result. I love being on these trains.