This bewildering insanity

Today I connected an older computer and dragged over some old songs that had been stuck there. My ultimate goal is to have all of the hundreds of hours of my material available at my finger tips, and maybe to have it available if somehow lightning strikes and any of this can become relevant to any of my fellow citizens.  I have a lot of work to do.

But, for now, just a reminder that http://yield-alpha-tuggler.tumblr.com/">my public archive
contains a lot of stuff that I got the courage to post in the past.


Another reset, another mindset

The solstice solstices and our planet heads back now into the dark. In six months we'll begin going the other way yet again. Between now and then we'll sleep, work, eat, breathe, and have emotions. We'll aspire to great things, and try to not publicize the bad ones.

So, I take this day to note that I have once again reset the name to reflect where I may fit on a hypothetical list of all the people in the world in terms of birth order. When I began this blog in 2006, I was somewhere in the 3.5 billion range, but now I'm assuming I'm the 2.5 billionth (or so) oldest person. I'll keep counting down until I can figure out a way to change my birthday.

Yet, my birthday is a fixed point in time, as is every moment once we move past it. We can't go back to stop ourselves from  breaking the things we shattered, but hopefully we can learn to be more mindful in each  moment so as to reduce the number of shards we're responsible for.

As I go forward and approach my 40th year, I am going to try to continue down the path of positive scheming and dreaming. It is also my hope that I can overcome the various fears that keep me from reaching out to others to make music.

One day towards that will be to post some of my tracks here. Now, please keep in mind these are raw. I've not yet learned how to write songs, but that's going to happen in the next year. I'm scared to be awful, or to have what I do revealed to be awful. But, every single second I've recorded has some worth, because each represents a moment in which I was capable of making choices. This doesn't make for music that will be remembered through the ages, no. But, I'll just be happy to keep trying to turn my original energy into something that a wider audience can appreciate.

The goal, though, is to find the collaborators I know are out there who are on the same page as me. Maybe they can help harness the feelings I have to create pulses and beats and harmonies and choruses and melodies. I don't want to do this alone. But, I have to do it, one way or the other. I'm too old to not believe in myself.

Today's download: The Camera Captures (June 14, 2013): Very quick thing that launched  a 45 minute practice session. I don't usually go into these with an idea, so the lyrics often end up being a meditation on the process. I always seem to be capturing myself with a camera, either through the written word of these sonic soliloquys. To what end?

Until the end, my friend. Until the end. If I'm not creating, I may as well give up now.


Father's Day thoughts

I had hoped to cross the finish line of the Charlottesville Men's Four-Miler at about 8:20 this morning, but instead I was sluggishly trying to turn the television on for my children. This is what I do every other Sunday when my American offspring are with me.

For weeks, I had trained and planned and tried my best to speed up so I could run a good race. I had hoped to try to run those four miles through the University of Virginia and its immediate suburbs of academic denizens. I had somehow thought that I would find someone who could look after my children at the finish line.

However, as a single father who hasn't been in a relationship for several years, it's very hard to even imagine asking someone to help out. It's me and they, the three of us forming a family unit that is unlike what I had thought I would be in when I was growing up.

Yet, I type these words without any sadness or regret. I didn't run the race, but I adjusted and have ended up having a great day with my children thus far here at our house. We're not doing much of anything but relaxing. I've moved them into their own room now that I no longer have housemates, and they're happily playing with their toys, completely content to be children in this place that I go to work to pay for, to keep a roof over their heads for about 12 days a month.

This place is so empty the other 18 days of the month, and I spend most of my time looking forward to them being back here. Everything in my life these days has something to do with this role I have in their two lives. I want to help make this world a better place, for them, even if that just means writing a few things about transparency and how I think local government is supposed to work. I'm hoping that at some point I can do something more meaningful.

For now, I just preside over a portion of their childhood. Right now they have invented a game in which they race marbles in the lid of a frying pan. The marbles are race cars and they are naming each one, and my daughter is narrating the whole thing as if she is a sportscaster. They are using their imagination, relaxing, and generally having the kind of childhood I think they deserve.

Meanwhile, I'm having an adulthood that I didn't expect, but that I am adjusting to. As I approach 40, I see myself in a time of life that will remain solitary. After work there's not much room for anything else, and I'm not very good at relationships anyway. I'm pretty good at being a dad, I guess, constantly monitoring to make sure that they play well together.

So, another Father's Day that's remarkably like every other Sunday I have with them. I would have liked to have taken them somewhere on an adventure, but they're perfectly happy to play and be kids. And I'm perfectly happy to be their father listening to their imagination blossom.