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Showing posts from 2011

Race Report: The Turkey Trot!

Today I ran the 30th annual Turkey Trot at the Boar's Head. But, I'll be honest. I really didn't want to bother. I was so tired this morning when I got up, and I really wanted to sleep in. I'd worked the night before, and then lost my dog for a few hours. My sleep was broken as I worried about him. He eventually came back, and I was looking for an excuse to justify not running the But, my friend Normajean had transferred her registration to me, and I'd picked up the packet, and I didn't want to let her down. I didn't want to let myself down, either. I've not run a 5K in a very long time, and I wanted to see how I could do. Part of me didn't want to go because I don't have my children today, and sometimes it's hard to be around other people and their families. I kind of just wanted to be by myself and relax and wasn't sure if I wanted to be around a crowd. These negative forces were penning me in, and I was wavering and wavering

In praise of Radio Bistro at the C&O

At the end of a marathon City Council meeting the other night, I went to the bar at the C&O to wind down and to check out Radio Bistro . James Ford was there spinning discs. As soon as I shook his hand, Brian Eno's "Needle in a Camel's Eye" blares out as loud as possible and I knew I was in the right place. I went in alone. I didn’t bring a notebook so I became the nerd at the bar with something to say, but no proper way to say it. I brought out my laptop, and it was a bit rude to insult the wooden bar by placing plastic upon it, but that’s all I had. If I had a paper and pen, I would use that. The music pulsed and I could feel the pulse flow through me and I could feel the notes oscillating, aware of the magic that my ears perceived vibrations in the air and my brain somehow translated into something that brought me joy. A new chapter has begun in my life, and I want to stay there. I do not want to slip back into the pages of what has come before and I do n

Towards the end of loss

I am so tired of feeling sad all the time. I'm doing something about it. I am resolving to think different. Three years now since my marriage ended and I've moved through so many chapters. If I look within, I can't quite remember exactly what the actual cause is for this feeling in my stomach, this wrenching, and the constant battle to stop fixating. The memories of loss are so sharp, and echoing so much these days. This happens every fall, when the leaves go down exposing the sharp realities of wooden networks. Everything laid bare, everything so spare. I do not hate loss and I do not hate sadness. I've been around on Earth now for long enough to know that these things go in cycles. I get dizzy and the sadness fills within me. This is part of being human, and I acknowledge that I am human publicly in the hopes it might actually move me forwards the light.

Positive things about Court Square Tavern

For the past two months or so, I've been focusing on all of the negative aspects of my second job at Court Square Tavern. What had been a fun place to work has become incredibly stressful. Part of this is structural, and some of this is related to a realignment of my love life. But here I am by myself behind the bar, ready for another night of working here by myself. I will take care of everything, and I am sure I will leave it somewhat messy when I leave here in eight hours or so. I will try my best to get everything cleaned up, but I'm sure there will be something I don't do right, so I can await a nasty note from the general manager. I will shrug off that note, because I know that I will make people happier as a result of coming in here. That's the first positive thing I can say about Court Square Tavern. I enjoy the customers who come in. I know so many people, and so many people know me, because I am the guy who runs this place on Saturdays. I will listen to in

The power of exercise

I'm always surprised somehow by the power of exercise to give me hope. I've had a rough couple of days. I've had another stretch of bad nights at Court Square Tavern brought on by a complete lack of support from management. I'm contemplating moving on because it seems like it's time to do so. The situation is more or less untenable and there's no end in sight unless I simply walk away. And that thought creates so much stress in me that I can barely think straight. I need the money, and I suspect if I do leave the tavern could end up closing for a while. So I've not made up my mind on that yet. But, I have made up my mind regarding one thing. Exercise is the most positive force in my life. All morning I have had nothing but darkness in my soul and I could not fight off the negativity. But, once I got on the stationary bike to do my warm-up, I could feel it lift. I could feel me becoming myself again. I went to the gym at 2:30 today, just as a whole gr

Evacuating the sadness

The cloud descends on cue. I know by now what makes me sad. I know the symptoms. And I know not it is best to not blame others and to deal with the storms that hit by myself. Sometimes the cloud is so thick and so large that I feel like I'm going to buckle. Thankfully I've worked hard to keep my legs in shape so I can stand up straight. Music helps. Hearing a favorable pattern over and over again reminds me that I can make my own noise and that will make me whole. Running helps. Knowing my body is conditioned to travel through the world at a fast pace fills me with confidence. But today, I must continue on with work even though I am currently in the clouds. It's conditional. I know exactly why I'm sad, and I will keep the reason to myself. I feel, though, I have to write something down in order to distract myself from the cloud. And then it passes, or at least thins out.

In a hallowed place

I'm alone in City Council chambers, waiting for photographs to be pulled off Charlottesville Tomorrow's camera. I have one image I need to illustrate tonight's story but this isn't my usual computer so I'm having to wait until it pulls all of the images into Photoshop. It's almost ten. Council ended early tonight. I filed right at the deadline and now I'm waiting to finish up my night. I don't know what I'll do next. I could go out for a beer and to hear some music, but I did that last night. I could go to my house, but I really don't want to. My housemates are there, and I suspect they may be in a fight and I don't want to go there. It's not home. Court Square is closed tonight, so I can't go there. The owner may be there, but I don't really want to hang out with him. Likewise, I don't want to go to my office because I spent the end of my evening there last night once a dinner party concluded and I had to take care of

The problem (and bounty) of Sundays

Sundays are the ones in which I basically try to recover from all the other ones, and also I have the most amount of time with my children. This Sunday, however, I only slept five hours because I worked until quarter til three and then felt the need to watch a television show. I worked that late because a wedding party ascended to the Tavern at 12:45 and I had no other choice but to show them a good time. Which I did. The pictures will prove this. But, this post is about Sundays. Sundays are the days that are so out of synch with the others. On the one hand, I should be recovering from the long week. This should be the day in which I clean, organize and strategize for the coming week. It never works out that way. Tonight I had in my mind that I would finally paint my room to get rid of the pink walls that my ex-wife placed there when we moved in. It's not fitting for a bachelor to live in such conditions, but I've only recently noticed this. I also only just recently

An October surmise

The white space beckons and waits to be filled with something that might approach meaning but won't actually touch it. There's a gap that has to be filled and I'm no longer sure I know how to do so. Where would the aggregate come from? In other words, I no longer know what to write when I open up this conduit to the world. There is so little happening in my life that's worth writing about, at least not to a general audience. But now it is October and I want to challenge myself to something new in anticipation of another challenge that shall commence 31 days from now. I am going to post to this blog once a day for the next four and a half weeks. This task shall serve as a pacemaker and shall force me to open up my eyes and ears. So many of my synapses have collected dust. Let's set the scene. I've been prone to negative thinking of late, but have been fighting off the dark forces with as much energy as I can muster. I've carved a new place for fitness a

At 38, the mopping continues

My birthday was a week ago, and by now the wrapping paper is long thrown away on my 38th year. I'm not quite sure who I will be this year, but I suspect this is going to be a year of personal growth as another ring appends itself to my trunk. I'm sitting here at Court Square Tavern after a long night of non-stop movement from the moment I walked in until when I clocked in. No breaks. So many people came in, and I believe most of them left happy that they had walked in the door. I was grumpy for so much of the night, but yet, sitting here now, I'm so pleased I got through it. I feel bad for my co-worker, who bore the brunt of my grumpiness. She's one of my best friends, so I think it worked out okay. I was grumpy because I'm 38 and I'm at a point where I have to decide if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, or if I want to move away from it. I love this place, and want so much to be here in some capacity for the rest of my life. I love our hi

On the blistering heat and the visions it may bring

To stand outside at this moment is to stand next to a campfire. As long as we stand here, in this moment in time, we are impossibly warm. Yet, take a step back and remember that the cold beckons. The heat we feel today shall pass, though it may burn a few things back from the edges. In many parts of the country, it will take a few lives. We're simply creatures who are somewhat cognizant of our journey through this cosmic soup and today we're all impossibly worried about the heat. Will our air conditioning units make it through and keep us cool? Will our gardens wilt? Will we manage to survive the walk to our car? I can remember the cold of six months ago, and I imagine many of us then would have traded that moment for this moment. And many of us now are loudly wishing we could go the other way round. This summer is perhaps the busiest I have had in my life. There has been no slow-down, no let-up in the information I've had to sift through in order to let people kn

On comics and zombies

Of late, I've become readdicted to comic books. Recently I discovered you could buy trade paperbacks and hardcovers through Amazon, and so I've spent some cash in that direction. Every day I go to my post office box in the hopes that my latest purchase from Y: The Last Man has come in. I'm disappointed that it has not yet. The main one, of course, is the The Walking Dead.  For years, I thought the zombie idea was pretty dumb. Then Shaun of the Dead came into being, and that got me thinking a little more about what it would be like if mostly every human being around me became a threat. What sort of a life would that be like? How would life change? Yet, most other movies did not really do much of anything for me. The two-hour zombie movie isn't really that interesting, because I'm not nearly as interested in one-off films. I'm much of a fan of watching a serialized filmed narrative. So, when AMC's The Walking Dead came on, I was blown away. Characte

On working

I just finished a nine-hour shift at Court Square Tavern. There was a party afterwards I could have gone to, but I have to be up early to hang out with my children. I also smell like I've been working. I have a party to go to tomorrow afternoon, and I'm going to enjoy it, even though I have to write what I would consider to be an important story. I received new information today that I need to put into a narrative. That narrative will be read by thousands of people, possibly more. But tonight, I'm sitting and enjoying the end of my work week. I try not to do any writing on the weekends so I can have some form of downtime. The tavern is a break from my writing job, but it's still work no matter. I'm paid to be there to bring people what they want. I'm also paid to think about certain issues so that I can explain them to other people. Hopefully I explain these issues to thousands of people. These days, I don't seem to do much of anything but work. This

Making sense in a cluttered world

At a government meeting, I can hear bird song behind the chatter of elected official and staff and citizens. I no longer have any official duties here and I'm just listening to people say things in favor or against a particular high-profile project. I no longer feel the need to write things down. I am hoping this is temporary, but I'm not sure anymore. This tremendous cloud of apathy has settled in, and the winds have stopped blowing. Perhaps its a form of paralysis. A Medusa has caught me in her gaze and no antidote has yet been found. So, I continue to think thoughts that sail past me into the ether. I know the reasons why I am stuck, but I can't bring them into the light. I lack the muscles, the neurotransmitters, the chemicals, the animating force. I also lack the courage. My life has become so leveraged, just like so many people's lives do when satisfying the mortgage becomes more important than living out a dream. The risks are too high to force action.

A summer of running?

My mind today was clouded with so many conflicting thoughts about things I should be doing, things I'm not doing, and the thing I definitely had to do in order for work to end for the day. I don't run nearly as much as I should. I know it's the best of all possible anti-depressants. Nothing overcomes my paralyzing self-doubt than moving as fast as I can for as long as distance as I can stomach. Time, though, is cruel and I've not been trying hard enough to force myself to get out there. I've come up with excuse after excuse, and I know I am suffering a little bit because of my current lack of motivation. So, this week I will finally join the gym that's behind my house in order to have an easy treadmill at my disposal. I also want to re-engineer fitness back into my life. I've given it up in part because I've been seeing someone, and time I was devoting to myself had been transferred into hanging out with her. Now that appears to be over. Or at le

Brief comments on the Charlottesville Podcasting Network

I took a day off today to sit and think about what's going on in my life. Part of that time meant sitting and actually listening to some of the great podcasts being produced by Michael Bisceglia as part of the Charlottesville Podcasting Network . About a year ago, I told him it would be a great idea if someone could help produce podcasts for other people. And Michael has absolutely hit the ball out of the park again and again. He started with his own podcast, Outside the Box with Mike and Leon . It's a simple podcast of two friends just talking about what they love to talk about. But, then he started getting serious clients. He snagged Mark Lorenzoni, one of my personal heroes, to record the Runcast . He's helping Chef Craig Hartman plumb the debts of Charlottesville's culinary scene on Chew the Fat with Chef Craig . He also has podcasts from Jennifer Till , SuzySaid Charlottesville , and Snow's Gardening Center . My friend Wendy Edwards has a show . Tod

Another Saturday in the soil of Court Square Tavern

Sometimes I joke with my customers that I'm in purgatory at Court Square Tavern . I was supposed to have tonight off, but that's just not how it works. And, I can't afford to take Saturday off, except on rare occasions. So I sit here by myself listening to music while waiting for the first customer to come in. I can't fully give over to the writing because anyone can come in at any second. I actually hid a few minutes ago because a pair of elderly couples poked their head in the window, and I just didn't have the energy to go out and retrieve them, to turn them into my customers. I'm not ready yet, and they seemed needy and my cook isn't here and I just didn't feel up to it. This happens a lot. Last night, as I was closing up, a couple came in, and they could see on my face as they walked in that I was displeased to see them. All of the other tables were about to go, as were the folks at the bar. But, I cheer up knowing someone new has come in t

Calling all Canadians! We need you at CST Monday night!

That may be the worst title of a blog post I have ever composed. But, I think I'm justified. I'm desperate to get people to come to Court Square Tavern on Monday night to watch the Canadian election returns. I've not had the chance to do a full advertisement for it, which sounds about right given my current life, in which I never seem to find time to fully implement the ideas I come up with. So far, all I've done is create a Facebook event for it , but that's about it. And, as of this moment, only a handful of people are coming to the event, and I'm a bit concerned that it's going to be a bust. Which is a shame, because I actually have an interesting idea behind wanting to have a public place for people to watch Canada pick a new Parliament. I lived in Calgary, Alberta, for a year from 1999 to 2000 while my girlfriend at the time was doing a post-doctoral fellowship. We talked an awful lot about parliamentary politics, which was fascinating to me. Jea

On being impulsive

In my driveway is a used sport utility vehicle that I just purchased. I am not sure how this came to be, but I feel pretty good about it. And, I want to continue feeling good about it. Or at least, I want to feel pretty good about it, because I will be spending more money to own this car. This purchase may not have been the most fuel efficient option and perhaps I should have done more due diligence. I could easily pick this decision apart and find many ways to be mad at myself. I am sure over the coming days I will hear from people that this was not a good thing to do. They will try to make me feel bad. But, I have made the decision, and I will live with it. In the short term, I solved many problems, and that was my goal. I could afford it and I can afford it. Now I have a choice. I could decide to concentrate on the long-term and write out many reasons why this purchase was not advised, and that will make me feel bad. I could try to find ways to prove the naysayers wrong.

On non-posting

I seem to have an inability to finish blog posts these days. My dashboard in Blogger has 5 drafts from the last month or so, ones I've not been able to finish. One was on the tsunami, another was on working all the time, and another was about the United Nations workers murdered last week by an angry mob in Afghanistan who were enraged after people in Florida sentenced a copy of the Koran Because I did not finish them for the intended audience, they don't seem to have as much resonance. I did not commit them to the public eye because they were not complete thoughts and for whatever reason I decided to stop. Usually I stop because I write a little too personal and I realize I can't send it to the general public. Perhaps I'm saying something that might get misinterpreted. Most days I feel like there's something grand I should be writing, but I don't get very far with it because something else has to be attended to in a more immediate fashion. I often dream

One after the other...

Two years in a row I've run the Charlottesville Ten-Miler. Today I ran three minutes slower than I did last year. I've not been able to train. I spend most of time doing some form of work to pay for the various things I must pay for, and I have generally chosen to rest up than lace up my running shoes. But still, I ran eight minute miles through the streets of my home, along with 2,500 other people. Among that number were my best friend from growing up and his sister. I've not seen them for many years. Both of them took up the sport recently, in part to memorialize their late father, who ran like the Dickens while we were all growing up in Lynchburg. I've never gone to a race with a friend before, never stood on the line chatting while waiting for the signal to be given. This seemed to make time go faster, and for a moment I was a bit worried that I wasn't going to be able to do my pre-race meditation. I want to notice everything about everyone else. I want to

Statistical data on my complete and utter disconnect with the Oscars

A Citizen 2,840,201,999 investigation into my movie-viewing history has revealed an astonishing fact: I have not seen a movie that has won the Academy Award for Best Picture since 2003. Of the 75 films nominated for the industry's highest award since 1998, I have only seen 23.33% of them. This isn't about snobbery. It's about recording my absent-mindedness, and trying to figure out if this means anything about my life. I spent the last half an hour trying to write up a spreadsheet to calculate that information. I had to check my memory against the data, so I used my reporting skills to tally something up about myself. I have seen none of the movies nominated for Best Picture in the last five years, and I'm not sure why. The last one I saw was Little Miss Sunshine in 2006. I managed to catch Good Night and Good Luck on video from 2005, Sideways in 2004. The geologist might question why I saw two nominated movies in 2003, two in 2002. And they might won

Thoughts from an empty bar

The dishwasher spins its magic and cleans glasses that contained beverages that took people into different versions of themselves. It's the last batch of the night, and comes from the last remaining people from this fairly busy night at Court Square Tavern. I'm beat. It's been another long day, and I didn't do myself any favors by going to Fellini's the evening before. My friend Nick dragged me up to sing a version of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" and I believe there's a picture floating around of that. I had hoped to sing "Cinnamon Girl" by Neil Young, but my friend wanted to leave before that, so it didn't happen. Two years on, this is my life. Soon it will be three years on and I won't remember what it was like before. At this point, I don't remember what it was like before. I think, though, that I've dug myself into a hole of sorts. I tend to be the kind of person who expects the worse all of the time as

Seven minutes of fast writing to prove a point, plant a flag

Thoughts before a meeting More than anything, I'm proudest that I tried to keep my head up, even when I was being torn apart inside. I'm glad that I got on the treadmill and started running, knowing that the best way to kill the pain was to use it as fuel. More than anything, I'm enamored now of life on every level, even on the days when I drift through clouds of sadness. I know they will always break, and I know how to read my weather patterns now. More than anything, I'm so happy to be alive, so happy that my best days, our world's best days, are all ahead of me. More than anything, I am confident that I shall define for myself who I am, and that I will do a better job next time, when I fall in love, of retaining who I am, and what I need. More than anything, I am glad that I am able to see how my life unfolds like a novel, with a series of characters just like myself, each of us humans just trying to make the best of it, trying to keep our heads up all