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The end of 2012

In all, this was a rebuilding year. I made a lot of progress and a lot of fronts, and I don't have any regrets really about the way things went. Three months ago I was dealt another set of cards that I'm playing fairly well at the moment.  I've had a very good week to end this year. I've spent more time with my children than I have in four years, and it felt like I was a full-time father again. I handled it and I find myself feeling more complete than I have in years. That's what has rebuilt. I feel more prepared to be better than I ever have been before. That's going to take some work, but I want to challenge myself in the next year.  I'm a man with no regrets. I've made many mistakes, but I don't regret any of them. I've learned from all of the failures. I don't think I've learned all of my lessons, because I keep making mistakes. But, I have a lot of confidence that I'm on the right track.  2012 was a good year. Noth

Say hello to the new guys

Let's say hello to the seven new plants that have entered our lives today. I took the kids shopping with the intent of doing something nice for the house. I had a little Christmas money to spend, and I'm determined to make this place even more of my home. I bought seven new houseplants today, including a brand new fresh sago. I also got two cacti, two other succulents, and two damaged succulents including one in a hanging basket. I'm telling you this because you were there when I got two of the other three that have been here. You gave me the spider plant that's still getting by, though it has not yet flourished how it should. I need to give it fertilizer, but I don't quite know how. I even transferred the rhinocerous plant to a new container, a much bigger one. Its roots were severely constrained by the one it was in, and I'm hoping it can flourish like yours. My aloe say 'allo. Last week I wrote a long message to a woman I dated that I never sent.

A Boxing Day Manifesto

I am sitting at my home this evening on what is perhaps the most undiscovered potential holiday for America. Dear reader, I speak of Boxing Day. I speak of the mightiness that is December 26! A day that needs to be reclaimed and have its rightful spot in the pantheon of world holidays! I sit here alone when I should have thrown a party. I should have thrown an event that was so grand, people would celebrate the joy of Grover Cleveland. We would have engaged in all manner of Boxing Day traditions, and we would have become better people for it. Yet, this did not happen today. I feel I have let the world down by not truly claiming my birthright as the one who made Boxing Day the perfect way to spend a day with family. For the day after Christmas should be spent with friends and colleagues in a day of reflection and merriment. This is not the night for me to prepare for what has already happened. Mine shall be a mission over the next 364 days to plan for something magnificent. I

Much better after the holiday

I'm sitting in a chair that I've finally moved to a productive part of my living room. The Christmas tree is up, and there are unused ornaments strewn everywhere. I'm listening to music I've recorded in the past wondering if any of it might be considered to be salvageable. Of late I have not been taking any of the music-making seriously, and I'm hoping to change that. Next May will mark five years since I've lived in this house. My children will be spending more time here in the future. They're about ten feet behind me at the moment, separated by the wall between my living room and my bedroom. They don't have a dedicated place to stay yet. I have a housemate who lives in the other upstairs room, but he'll be moving out at some point in the near future. At that point, that room will be transformed into a space for them to live and grow up. I get sad when I don't know for sure that they're doing okay. They spend so much time away from me,

Passing the time while working the day into the ground

Another holiday approaches as the color washes out of our little corner of existence. The sun is operating at a lower power than it did six months ago as we all waited with glee for the days of heat and vibrancy. I sat at my desk today and slogged my way through a story that wasn't too terribly interesting to write, but write it I did. I looked out at people walking past all day and wondered if I would ever meet any of them. I wondered if I would ever have dinner with them, share laughs, build memories. The withering light in the sky is sapping my energy. I feel better when it's gone all together and the dark arrives and I can go to sleep.

A dance to rekindle life

(written in mid September 2012 but not posted until now) My Auntie Audrey died earlier this month. I barely knew her, but I found out through watching my cousins express their grief through Facebook. I barely know my cousins, but at least I'm more connected to them in the 21st century than I was in the last one. I found out about her passing early during the day, a Saturday. Those are usually the days when I recover from the inevitable disappointments of Friday night. Saturdays are also the days I go to make some money to pay the obligations I have because I have young children with someone I am no longer married to. I am a person who is estranged from family at both ends of the spectrum. As a first generation American, I never really knew my grandparents and didn't know my mother's sister. I knew my mother's brother, a man who traveled over to visit us repeatedly throughout my childhood. I've not been to Scotland since he died. I spend a lot of my life wo

Things I've been meaning to tell you (redux)

In late December 2008, I posted something here that sort of set the tone for the past four years of my life. Looking back now, I'm amazed that I did not go into detail about what happened. I only remembered it based on the title of the post, and I'm glad I didn't spill the beans about what happened. But now, I thought it would be a good idea to take stock on where I am right now in this, my public journal. Who knows what will happen in the future? I do not, but I can definitely say that a positive attitude will definitely move you forward in life. For the first time in two and a half years, my children are asleep at my house. My house has been that of a divorced bachelor ever since I moved back in in May of 2009. For a time my children were here, and then they were not due to certain misfortunes. Grief and mourning can lead a man astray, and that's certainly what happened to me. When I wrote the original post to which I referred to above, I was trying to put by b

You have to do what you have to do

Tonight, I had plans to go to a music festival in Nelson County with some friends. It was going to cap off my week before a day tomorrow with my children. But last night, just before I went to bed, I realized that I had mixed up my calendar and tomorrow's catering gig is tonight, not tomorrow. I made a pledge about eight months ago that I would no longer work on Friday nights. I've recognized I can't just work and work and work, and then work some more. I need to figure out a way to relax. Fridays are good for that, and I've generally had a much happier life ever since. Yet in about 10 minutes,  I'm going to go get suited up in black and I'll head to the Colonnade Club at the University of Virginia to work a rehearsal dinner. Then I'll race back to my desk to finish my work day, because I don't have the story I'm supposed to have yet. I don't want to work tonight, and yet I have to, because I accepted an obligation, even though I made a m

Change is underway

Change is underway. The past two weeks have been transformative. I've kept the details quiet, and I'll continue to do so, but everything is different now and it's time to live up to my potential. Change is underway.

Why Doctor Who?

When I was a young boy, around 9, a television show appeared on public television at 6:00 on a Monday night called Doctor Who. It was British, and I was a child of British immigrants. The main character is an irreverent and brilliant Time Lord who travels through space and time in a blue box shaped like a policeman's telephone box. The Doctor could go anywhere he wanted, but seemed to focus a lot on helping problems on Earth. He was witty, he was silly, but at times he could be incredibly serious as he dealt with various enemies. The show itself began in 1963, on the same night my grandfather died. On the same night that JFK was shot. The show was not a hit at first, but they kept producing them and it eventually became somewhat popular. My parents may or may not have watched some of the original episodes when they were still UK residents. They took a boat and moved away, traveling across an ocean to get to their new home in North America. I didn't grow up fully Ameri

A second decade in Charlottesville

A circle is completed as August comes to a close, and I mark ten full years in Charlottesville . I'm beginning a second decade here. What a long, strange trip it has been. There have been moments of joy, moments of sadness and at least one moment where a gun was pointed at me. I've met many people, have had many chapters, and in general I feel blessed to be here in this community. "You're going to make a ton of friends here," said my first wife when we moved here. We'd been in Roanoke ever since we moved back from Calgary. I liked the Star City, and was somewhat hesitant to leave because she was in the process of establishing her career there. And, I liked being a public radio journalist working for WVTF. But, I needed a job, and it was here. And so we moved here, even though she spent the first four months commuting back and forth. Our first house was up in Albemarle County on the land where the North Pointe community will one day be built

A cleaning journal

Does anyone really need their utilities bills from 2006, when they lived in another house? I'm not sure, but I've decided that things like this simply have to go. I'm sad, though, to give it up, because it's a record of a different time. I've got to find a way to let go of the past, or I have no hope of making it to the future in style. So, I'm going now to find a box that I can put this all in so I can recycle them. I used to recycle back in 2006. I was religious about it. Now, everything goes in the trash can.  Well, not everything.  I don't want to lose the paperwork from when my children were born. That's a very important paper trail indeed. The hospital were they born doesn't exist anymore. It moved and then was purchased by another hospital, so it can't possibly be seen as the same thing. So, I'll hang on to that. I'm also not sure if I want to get rid of my car insurance payments, which date back 10 years, wh

When it comes home to roost

Here's what happens. I'll be having a somewhat good time. In these moments, I feel positive and I feel so excited and happy to be alive. Then someone will mention something about something I don't like to think about but can't escape. This triggers a switch.  I have a sudden sensation that gravity has been modified. All of the good cheer is being sucked away from me. I'm left with nothing but all of my negativity. Suddenly I don't remember what it like to feel good and my mind just repeats all of the negative thoughts. During my birthday week, I was able to keep these feelings at bay. But now that time is receding and I'm a little worried I won't have another sustained period of good feeling for a while. This is when I have to have faith that things will get better. This is when I have to fight myself the most. This is when I have to fight my past and try to move on. But, dear reader, it's so hard. I view my life as one big game of

At 39, a hope for courage

This is that time of the year where my human programming has me looking back at my life because I have grown another metaphorical ring. Another year down, another year to look up at the stars. I shall take pause for the next few minutes to reflect on what happened, what didn't happen, and what might happen as the next 365 days unfold. I am most interested at this moment in just being in this moment. I want to realize that I made it here. I made choices that carved out this existence I'm now in. I want to make sure the choices that come in the next little while are the right ones. A lifetime has taught me to be more cautious, yet I still make poor decisions from time to time. I don't make others one quick enough. This 39th year shall be one of paring back a little, and concentrating on what's most important to me. I want to find a pathway to being more courageous and more bold about the things that matter to me. At the moment I am deciding to invest some time i

Before what happens to Curiosity

I've decided to stay up to see what happens to Curiosity. We may not know what happens until later on in the week, but I want to appreciate a little about why this country is spending $2.5 billion to land a rover onto the surface of Mars. So, of course I'll stay up a little while, even though I'm a bit tired. As I type this, I'm reading up on Curiosity on Wikipedia . I'm learning about how the mission was put together, how it was named, how it launched. I'm planning on watching the NASA telecast, and maybe listen to some of the Radiolab show that's going on. I'm talking to one of my roommates from Virginia Tech. He's staying up as well, I believe. His father has been involved in solar system exploration for decades. We're talking in Facebook chat about what other missions are coming up after Curiosity. As near as we can tell, there are only two major planetary expeditions en route to their destination. New Horizons should make it to Plut

Weddings

On this first Sunday of August, I begin typing under the cloud of severe exhaustion. I worked a wedding yesterday from 4 to 1. This involves a lot of walking. During the day, I'd decided to go for a two-hour bike ride because I didn't want to sit around waiting for work to begin. Yesterday was the first Saturday I had to work since June 30. Ever since I left Court Square Tavern, I decided to pursue catering as opposed to working at a restaurant. In theory, that would give me time to spend however I see fit. The experience has been interesting in a way. I'd not been to a wedding since my first in 2001. There are many reasons for this but I'm not sure how many of them are actually worth pondering as I type these particular sentences. It's more important to note that I just don't know much about how weddings work. Well, now I've been to six of them and each of them has been a rewarding experience in its own way. Yesterday was a marriage between an America

Overcoming hatred

The national appreciation day for Chik-Fil-A's stance on gay marriage has prompted me to do something I do not do as a journalist. I'm going to tell you what I think.  This is a matter that I'm personally affected by, and a matter that has been on my mind very much for the past three and a half years. I may have alluded to it in my writing here, but I've never directly addressed it until now.  My second marriage ended in part because my ex-wife finally had the courage and support of a community to become who she really is -- a woman who loves another woman. I watched them falling in love in slow motion. This is not a post where I will talk about that in detail. But, when the end came, I felt a tremendous sense of loss and pain. At times, the sorrow pushed me in a negative direction. I felt waves and waves of anger. Sometimes I rode these waves of anger. At times, I approached hatred.  I don't think I ever fully went to hatred, but I could see wh

Daybreak of August

Last night I finished watching Battlestar Galactica for the second time. The first time I'd watched it was in the initial months following the end of my marriage. Without going into the details of the show, I'll just say that the final season is heart-wrenching. There's a lot of death, a lot of despair, and at times it feels that the word "hope" has been erased from the dictionary. I began rewatching the final season about two months ago. This coincides with what has been a pretty rotten time in my mind as I fight off another bout of depression tinged with anxiety over my future. Well, enough. I don't want to wallow in those details. I want to stay positive and not give in to the poisonous thoughts in my mind that seek to skew me towards the negative. I get to choose how I want to be. I don't understand the forces that seek to pull me down, but I am hopeful that I can use them to sail to new shores. So, this month I will be reflecting on this, and

Principles from 1996

Recently I found all of my journals from the 1990's. One from 5-27-1996 was about my philosophy of life. After 2,000 words or so, I concluded with this.  Here are my ten commandments for my life. 1) Thou shall treat others with dignity and respect. 2) Thou will do nice things for those people who are your friends, never expecting anything in return. 3) Thou shall always try to be positive, finding a silver lining in anything. 4) Humility shall be your watchword. 5) Jokes must be told at all times. 6) Thou shall not be tempted to change your personality to please anyone. 7) Thou shall never retreat into your own little world. 8) Thou shall try to mend broken bridges with previous friendships, leaving no loose ends. 9) Thou shall record significant events in your life. 10) Cultivate individuality. The fact that I have a record of something I wrote from sixteen years ago that I can cut and paste easily makes me pleased. I still have to work on a lot of the

What is the now?

All we ever have is now. That's a lyric from a Flaming Lips song. I don't need at this point to explain it, because those six words can stand alone. For me, I hear them and my synapses fire up to the point where I am flooded with memories of loves that went wrong and the truth that kept me alive when I realized that is the only sane way to live a life. But what does a person do when they can look back at all the words they have written over the course of an adult life-time? Tonight I'm sifting through journals from 1998 to see who I was then. I am finding that I am the same person. I recognize, and I remember, all the words typed long ago on keyboards past. I was lonely, I was uncertain about what was to happen, I was convinced that I had to keep going no matter what. My best friend growing up is an art critic. I make the mistake sometimes of sharing with him bits of music that I've created in the hopes of getting his feedback. Those bits of music are things I rec

Songwriting

Tonight,  I went to the Local for the first time in a long while to see the singer-songwriter night. This is an opportunity for people who know how to make music to play with a live band consisting of Michael Clem, Rusty Speidel and Brian Caputo. It is quite a fantastic time and I recommend it for anyone. For me, I enjoy watching what people come up with. I'm in awe of how people can write songs, and work out arrangements with a band within a few minutes. All of the songs sound professional and polished. There are some really good musicians in our community. I also go to be inspired. I would love to figure out how to write a song. I'm stuck in the world of improvisation, where I play a few chords and sing a few sloppy lyrics here and there that may or may not tie together. I enjoy it personally, but I'm aware that the rest of the world may take issue with the way I sound. I've always felt encouraged to just record whatever I can. I record hours and hours of materi

Selfmaking narrative

In response to a reporter's question about my work at Charlottesville Tomorrow.  As I approach the end of my second decade as a journalist, I'm blessed to be Charlottesville Tomorrow’s senior reporter. For my entire career, I have wanted to be part of an enterprise that is both traditional and pioneering. Our country needs better journalism that is objective, intelligent, and truly non-partisan. What we do, primarily through covering local government meetings, provides a model for how the future of news could look. I graduated from Virginia Tech and spent many years as a freelancer in public radio.  I was drawn to journalism because I wanted to explain to people how things work. This stems from my status as a first generation American who wants to better understand this place I was born but am somewhat still assimilating with. When I was working for one of the college newspapers, I jumped at the assignments that allowed me to learn more about planning issues. I loved

Timescene 1:06 PM

A pregnant woman in a green shirt passes out a poem to a passerby while a man in shorts interviews another woman in a green shirt about the purpose of their exercise. A woman with impossibly red hair bounces past furiously trying to avoid a piece of literature. The pregnant woman looks side to side waiting for another mark. Her child that already draws breath is excitedly chewing some food and shaking his water bottle. A man walks past and he seems reluctant. He walks past, but she says something that catches his ear and he returns. He puts his hand in the polka dot bag she is carrying and retrieves a poem. He looks at it briefly and then walks on. The cameraman wanders around in circles, his camera slung over his right shoulder as he waits for someone else to speak with for a news story he's doing on this project. He manages to snag one of the women who runs the organization WriterHouse, and she's explaining the importance of the project. The WriterHouse woman reaches in

One hour of editing

2:33 pm Over 1,600 words of notes from a court case. It's a mess, transcribed from chicken scratch notes. I don't have a recording of the hearing, but I jotted down paragraphs that make sense independently. But, I have to get through them and give it a narrative. The process must be completed in an hour because I have to work my second job tonight, a catering gig located elsewhere on the mall. This is how I help pay for my child support. I'm distracted by the sunny day outside. I want to run in order to get my mind off a zombie relationship that keeps rising from the dead for brief awakenings that give me hope of happiness. I travel there, have a good time, but then when I get home I'm back to the solitude and the loneliness. A track by the German band Can plays in my headphones. On my other screen, the words await me to give them shape, to give them life so people can know what happened in that court room. I have my lede paragraph written. That's about it

Approaching, not reaching

Halfway through my life there's a sense I should have paid more attention in calculus. I vaguely remember something about curving lines that could come ever and ever closer to a vertical line, but couldn't quite make it there. In this mess of a thought is an apt metaphor I wish I could flesh out further, but alas. I'm hobbled by what I can write here mostly by the limitations of what you can say in a public journal. Everything is now actionable. Everything we do is watched, scrutinized, assembled into dossiers that may or may not prove that we are a threat to society. Or that we aren't employable. So, I back off and say very little about anything, except in rants to people I meet from time to time. And hopefully none of that is actionable, though you can never really tell in a town like the one in which I live. It's been two weeks now since I got back from England. I've settled right back into my schedule, have worked my first catering gig, and have recurr